Peace Out to My Ponderings

I think that this is going to be my last post on this page. I think it is time to step away from this space and all that it has come to represent. This started out a a place that I felt like I could ramble about my thoughts. I like to talk to the nothingness and try to figure things out. I have talked and talked on here and have managed to piss off person after person. That was never my intention. I guess a shitty couple of years led to a shitty couple of years of posts. I don't regret what I write about. I don't regret the things that have went on. Honestly, I learned so much about myself and I have a much better understanding of what makes me tick. I learned that you shouldn't take your sanity for granted. I learned don't take the pills:) I learned that guilt is my biggest trigger. I learned that the more honest I am the better I feel. I learned that gay me is a much happier person than the bi or straight version. I learned that I can't hold onto the past. I have to let go of the some of the good as well as the bad. I learned that I lean on circumstance to allow me to hide from truly feeling. I got to fall in love and out of love and in love again and out of it again. I learned that all love isn't epic but the fleeting can still mean just as much. I learned that I can't always fix every situation. I learned that I don't really want to be rescued but just accepted for what I am. I can look myself in the mirror at this moment and know that I like who I am. I'm never going to be perfect. I'm never going to fix the past. I learned that I'm ok with that. Living and loving and dreaming and being are my plans. It makes me smile. I can't change yesterday and I can't predict tomorrow but I can say that this moment is one I always hoped I would have. I'm good with me. I am thankful for the darkness that monopolized the last three and half years. Heartache, heartbreak, sorrow. They finally gave me strength. Come what may I know that I can make it through. Thank you to anyone who has ever read this. Thank you to the ones I've upset because you are the ones that helped me grow. Thank you to the ones that never stopped loving me because you were my lighthouse through this storm. Hugs and love this theatre addict is off to ponder somewhere new

Lauren Zizes

So I'm totally obsessed with Glee. I have too much time on my hands and it is what is consuming it. I've found myself bothered lately by the plot line of Puck and Lauren. I don't get it. I don't know if I just don't like Lauren or if I just don't like them together or if I'm really shitty and have an issue with her looks. I think I'm going to try and explain each option and see if any really make sense.

The first option is I just don't like Lauren. I am a huge Santana fan and I really don't like her being upset. I really don't like the fact that Lauren basically beat the shit out of her and no one cared at all. I understand that she instigated the fight but seriously? Santana is a mouthy tiny woman. Seriously, she is probably my height and probably 110 pounds. That is tiny! Lauren is probably three times her size. Height and weight are a big difference between the two. I don't like the idea of such an unfair fight being drawn out without consequence. Seriously, nothing happened to the girls?! Shouldn't they be suspended or something? That beat down should have sent Santana to the hospital! I also didn't like that she was the one that really got the hate on San ball rolling during SLS when she called her a bitch. It pissed me off! Like I said earlier, I'm a Sanfanta and I don't like people who hurt her!!

The second option is that I don't like Puck and Lauren together. I don't get Puck's logic that her needs someone as badass as himself and that Lauren is the only one to fit that. Santana has been nothing but badass the entire run of the show with the exception of BIOTA. Of course, I don't hold crying hysterical drunk against anyone which means she is always badass! Even the fight with Lauren showed Santana to be a badass. That was a fight that she could never win but she didn't give up or back down. She fought to the end and even after she was defeated she still kept fighting. I'm sorry, but San is BADASS!! It is the most consistent aspect of her personality. If badass is Puck reasoning for Lauren then he's a blind idiot because he already had that. Ugh!

The third option is the one that makes me feel like shit. The first two options are story related. I feel those things because of Santana, Puck and Lauren. The third option means I have some issue with Ashley Fink. I don't really think I have an issue with her. I watch shows that are scripted to get lost in the glamour and magic of stunning people. Ashley is not stunning. She's really normal looking and it's really hard for me to accept that. The cast of glee is filled with stunning people. Naya is stunningly beautiful. Mark is gorgeous. HeMo, Lea, Dianna are all stunning. Jenna has an infectious beauty. Amber is beautiful. All of the guys are beyond hot. The cast oozes beauty and glamour. Ashley looks like someone I could know. Lets face life here. Hot dudes get hot chicks. Hot chicks get hot dudes or not hot dudes. Not hot chicks tend to get not hot guys that are dicks. It's sort of how it works especially in high school. I know love is supposed to be blind but 16 and 17 year olds are not that enlightened. Forcing me to accept that Puck of all characters would be the one to see beyond the surface is nearly impossible. It really makes me feel like an ass to think that I don't like them together because I don't think she is hot enough but it is one of the truths. I want hot with hot with hot when I watch scripted shows. I watch reality tv if I want to see normal folks. Maybe I'm bitter that in the real world I'm not going to get the stunning person to fall for me and I'm probably closer to hot than Lauren. It kind of sucks to feel average and know that the stunning isn't going to look your way. Who knows, maybe that is what this storyline is supposed to be about. Maybe it is trying to help me believe that I would have a chance with a Mark or a Naya. Beauty fades and all that is left is what is in the inside but generally you don't get a chance to meet the inside because the outside is the attraction.

I think I'm an ass...

Really, Bristol Palin?!?

So I've been watching this season of Dancing With the Stars and for the most part I have enjoyed it but I'm really fed up right now. I don't get the fact that Bristol Palin keeps going in this competition. I think that a large portion of the viewers are idiots. I really do. How can you reward crap like that? It's not like she is even close to being as good of a dancer as the other people that were left at the beginning of tonight's show. Then she beat out Brandy. Say what?!? That girl had a perfect score last night and the Palin girl has been the bottom scorer for weeks on end. I think the folks that vote for the Palin girl are the same ones that bought the William Hung album. The problem with that is that it's not rewarding excellence. You are supposed to work hard and try your hardest and if you are the best you should be rewarded. That doesn't seem to be the case with this show. This show has become a total joke popularity contest what is controlled by popular politics. I'm super glad that a mediocore dancer and performer can keep coming out on top because folks like her mom. Of course, maybe that's not the case. Maybe people just feel sorry for her. That's how I would like compete. You get into competitions to strive to be the best. Trying your best isn't what allows someone to win a competition. If that was the case I would totally have an Olympic medal. I don't have one because I haven't earned that or been the best at that given moment. Bristol Palin hasn't been the best even once. I can't stand the fact that she keeps getting rewarded. She'll probably win and that is the worst piece of television that I can think of.

Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown

This past weekend I had the privilege of seeing WOMEN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN on Broadway. I was extremely excited to see this show mainly because Sherie Rene Scott is in it. I am a huge Sherie Rene Scott fan! I love so many of her shows. One of my biggest dreams was so see her perform live. I wasn't disappointed. I'm not going to say that this was the best show that I've ever seen. It just wasn't. I really liked it though. Sherie Rene Scott was amazing! I know that the professional reviews say that she was a bit lost and the show was pretty much crap, but I don't agree. I think the lost feel was the direction that the director chose for the show. Sherie Rene Scott's Pepa is kind of lost for a large portion of the show but that is Pepa is a lost person. I don't think that was the fault of acting I think that is was the direction of the character. I loved listening to her sing. Everytime she opened her mouth I was transfixed. I thought she was great. Also, there were tons of stars in this show. How many times does one get to see on stage, at the same time, the likes of Patti LuPone, Brian Stokes Mitchell and Laura Benanti? These are true stars!! For the most part they were great. Brian Stokes Mitchell has the ability to make a women melt just by saying "blah" which he did. I have to say I melt when he opens his mouth to sing. Laura Benanti was extremely funny. She stole the show in my opinion. What can you really say about Patti LuPone? I mean, she's Patti LuPone! That's all most people need. This show also had Grams in it! Mary Beth Peil aka Grams was so cute. The duet that Sherie Rene Scott and her sang was one of the highlights of the show for me. How could I not be happy to hear her lovely soprano? I was very happy that I got to see this show. I think most people will be happy to see this show as long as they don't go in expecting some profound theatre experience or the next WICKED. It's light and fun and I think worth the money to see.

ANTM

So I'm totally obsessed with this cycle of Top Model. It has been a long time since I was this into a cycle. The last one that I was this into was cycle 7. That was a long time ago! This cycle we have Kayla. She is everything that you could want in a contestant. She is beautiful. She takes great pictures. She has a compelling back story. Maybe it's the gay in me but I can't help but root for her. She started out this proud but wounded out woman. She didn't care what the world had to say. She was proud of herself. That drew me in. As the cycle has progressed we have been let into this woman's life. We have been allowed to know and understand her pain. It makes me want to root for her more. Hell, it makes me want to be her friend. I feel like I'm getting a friend through the show in Kayla. Here's hoping that the winner of Cycle 15 of America's Next Top Model is Kayla.

No Idea

There is something major to be said for my new relationship. I have no idea where it is headed. That is a major first for me. I have known the outcome of every relationship I have walked into until now. What a strange and exciting feeling. I don't see a path laid out before me. I think this is a good thing. I hope it's a good thing:) I haven't smiled this much in so long. What a wonderful feeling. It is really nice to be wanted and not have this constant fear that someone might find out and that you will ruin everything. There isn't that pressure in this relationship. This actually is a relationship. How blind I was to what those where for too long. Shame on me for selling myself short for way too long. Maybe I should have taken the advice I was given way earlier than I did. I should have walked away when I started to hurt on a daily basis. I'm stubborn I guess. Next time I ask for advice from someone who knows me ridiculously well I'll listen. I'm happier that way. I'm happier in this relationship. I'm learning about myself. I'm letting myself really feel. I'm understanding certain truths about myself that I had hid from for way too long. I'm trying not to make the stupid mistakes that I made in the past all over again. I don't know where any of this is going but I don't want to lose it. I feel special. I feel blessed. I feel happy. If only I could fix a couple of other things and I would be about the happiest person in the world!

I Can Embrace This

Affairs of the heart seem to consume most of my time. Well, that and shows, but the heart is at the core of my being. I'm happy at the moment. I'm seeing someone and I really like them. I really enjoy are time together and I really like the notion of someone not being ashamed to be with me. That being said I still second guess everything too much. I'm trying not to sabotage myself. I always seem to do that when I am honestly interested in someone. I sit and question my heart. I ask it constantly if I am doing what it truly wants. I don't know what my heart really wants at times. Sometimes it longs so much for the past that it clouds the present. I need to remember that every kiss with someone doesn't have to scream my soul mate. Maybe my romantic notions are too ingrained in my heart. Lovely delightful and wonderful are really positive things and that is what I have. I decided that I wanted to take things slow with this relationship so that I could process my feelings and I guess I should be ok with that decision. The problem is I suck at not totally running forward with my emotions. I'm someone who is totally guided by the heart. I like this moment and I really just need to not mess it up with my out of control worry. I need to not over nurture this. I need to not dwell on past feelings for other people. I need to remember that I am allowed to be happy. Deep breath Shanna you can do this!