Bottom

So here's how you know that you've hit the bottom. You know it's the bottom when the only thing lower than where you're at is dead. I hit the bottom yesterday. It is a scary place to be. It is scary for those who know you are there. I can't be in that place. I refuse to be in that place. It is so strange how quickly things can go from bad to absolutely terrifying. I think maybe I needed the terrifying to find the strength to really fight for myself. I've never done that. I have never went to bat for myself. I need to do this. I have to be in control of my life. I need to not devalue myself in relationships. I need to understand that things that I blame myself for where not my fault. I need to really see that I matter as a person. I need to be a whole person. I want the people in my life to not look at me and see this shell of a person who could break at any moment. I'm stronger than this. I have to believe that. I can't continue beating myself up for everything that has happened in the past. I have to stop living there. No more fear. No more hiding. This has been a battle that I have been avoiding my whole life. It is really time that I got around to living. I'm taking back my life.

I Couldn't Keep The Resolution

Well, here's me breaking the new years resolution...
I cut my heart out this weekend. I put a stop to my relationship. Nothing like killing a part of yourself because it is the right thing to do. I don't know what to do now. I've never walked away from my love. I'm someone who waits and waits. I'm someone who doesn't give up on love. I'm patient and stubborn. Or at least I was. I guess this is something else that I don't recognize in myself any longer. I wish I looked in the mirror and recognized the person looking back at me. I don't know how I got to this place. I don't know what happened to me. Falling in love hasn't been the best experience for me I guess. Falling in love with two people really hasn't been the experience for me. I mean, let's face reality here, I'm in love with two people. The shitty sucky thing is that neither one of them want me. One of them I had already accepted that fact but the other I guess I was living in denial about. I can't blame either one of them for not wanting me. I am a mess right now. I've fallen off the deep end these last few months. Who would want someone in my place? I hurt so much right now on the inside I desperately want to take it out on myself physically. Who wants to deal with that? Who wants to deal with the fact that I was probably 30 seconds away from landing myself in the hospital last night? I'm not functioning right. I'm so pathetic. I think maybe I am that wounded artist. I think at times I am that person who has to bleed to find the beauty in living. I think I might be the person who has to see the pain to understand the joy. Who wants to be with that? Yes, I love with everything that I am. I will give everything that I have for my love. I'm romantic and loyal. Unfortunately I'm too crazy for anyone to really love back. Silly me for giving my heart to these people. I can't get it back from them either. It's theirs to do what they see fit with. I don't stop loving. I just push it down and become the best friend possible. Hopefully I get to retain that with them. Hopefully they both allow me to stay in their lives and love them. It would probably kill me if they didn't.

Words

Sometimes a word can change everything. Maybe you've used one word for a situation for years and then someone turns around and uses a different word and it makes everything wrong. Say you think of yourself as voluptuous and someone calls you chunky. Really it's the same thing but one is better than the other. I don't like the new word. Actually I hate the new word. It changes how I see things. I messes with my head. I don't know how to take it.