I Couldn't Keep The Resolution

Well, here's me breaking the new years resolution...
I cut my heart out this weekend. I put a stop to my relationship. Nothing like killing a part of yourself because it is the right thing to do. I don't know what to do now. I've never walked away from my love. I'm someone who waits and waits. I'm someone who doesn't give up on love. I'm patient and stubborn. Or at least I was. I guess this is something else that I don't recognize in myself any longer. I wish I looked in the mirror and recognized the person looking back at me. I don't know how I got to this place. I don't know what happened to me. Falling in love hasn't been the best experience for me I guess. Falling in love with two people really hasn't been the experience for me. I mean, let's face reality here, I'm in love with two people. The shitty sucky thing is that neither one of them want me. One of them I had already accepted that fact but the other I guess I was living in denial about. I can't blame either one of them for not wanting me. I am a mess right now. I've fallen off the deep end these last few months. Who would want someone in my place? I hurt so much right now on the inside I desperately want to take it out on myself physically. Who wants to deal with that? Who wants to deal with the fact that I was probably 30 seconds away from landing myself in the hospital last night? I'm not functioning right. I'm so pathetic. I think maybe I am that wounded artist. I think at times I am that person who has to bleed to find the beauty in living. I think I might be the person who has to see the pain to understand the joy. Who wants to be with that? Yes, I love with everything that I am. I will give everything that I have for my love. I'm romantic and loyal. Unfortunately I'm too crazy for anyone to really love back. Silly me for giving my heart to these people. I can't get it back from them either. It's theirs to do what they see fit with. I don't stop loving. I just push it down and become the best friend possible. Hopefully I get to retain that with them. Hopefully they both allow me to stay in their lives and love them. It would probably kill me if they didn't.