I Can Embrace This

Affairs of the heart seem to consume most of my time. Well, that and shows, but the heart is at the core of my being. I'm happy at the moment. I'm seeing someone and I really like them. I really enjoy are time together and I really like the notion of someone not being ashamed to be with me. That being said I still second guess everything too much. I'm trying not to sabotage myself. I always seem to do that when I am honestly interested in someone. I sit and question my heart. I ask it constantly if I am doing what it truly wants. I don't know what my heart really wants at times. Sometimes it longs so much for the past that it clouds the present. I need to remember that every kiss with someone doesn't have to scream my soul mate. Maybe my romantic notions are too ingrained in my heart. Lovely delightful and wonderful are really positive things and that is what I have. I decided that I wanted to take things slow with this relationship so that I could process my feelings and I guess I should be ok with that decision. The problem is I suck at not totally running forward with my emotions. I'm someone who is totally guided by the heart. I like this moment and I really just need to not mess it up with my out of control worry. I need to not over nurture this. I need to not dwell on past feelings for other people. I need to remember that I am allowed to be happy. Deep breath Shanna you can do this!

I'm Such A Girl

Here's a short funny story for the day. I get home last night from hanging out with some of my friends. My gf and I are in my living room and all of a sudden there is this clanging sound from my furnace. It sounds like something is flying in the pipe. I realize what that sound is quickly, a bird!! It has somehow gotten into the pipe from the roof and is now stuck. I'm a little freaked out about it but decide to go with the shut the bedroom door turn on a fan and hop the cat kills it approach. The morning arrives and I creep out of the bedroom looking to see if dead bird is hanging out somewhere on the floor. I see nothing and hear nothing so I figure that maybe it got out somehow. About half an hour passes and then I hear the clanging again. Then all of a sudden in swoops the bird!! Panic time for me! I scream like the girl I am and hide under the covers! Thank goodness I wasn't alone! The gf takes a box and captures the bird and sets it free. My hero! I am such a girl at times!!!

My Voice

I think I may have lost my voice a bit. Not my singing voice by my voice in life. I've let my friends dictate how I should express myself. I've worried about hurting people and protecting them so much that I've lost an important part of myself. Most of the time it isn't worth it. Why should I care how my words effect them? It isn't as though I'm writing horrible things about them most of the time. Usually if someone gets included in this form it is because they are important to me. Some feelings and issues are better handled in a format that is less confrontational. I don't want to fight with people. I don't like how that makes me feel. I don't like how I can make people feel if I turn my temper onto them. If I write about it then sure they may see it, but it is in a digestible manner. Are my blogs the end all and be all of my truth? No, but it is a truth for that moment. If I'm upset today does that mean I'm upset tomorrow? I don't understand why I have to censure myself for them. I get that words can hurt. I know how to hurt people with them. I don't deny that. I'm going to take my voice back. If I have something on my mind I'm going to write about it. If I have someone on my mind, well, then I'm going to write about them. This is who I am. I'm tired of trying to conform to what people think I should be. I suck at hiding from myself. You know what forcing yourself to be something you're not leads to? It leads to crazy and I don't want to visit that again. Look for some real ponderings from this theatre addicts mind. I'm taking back my voice and sorry if you don't understand that