Bad Girl Poetry

Quietly I watch you sleep
And my soul is at ease
I could spend an eternity in this moment
And be at peace

Gentleness radiates from you
Enveloping my heart
Fears and doubts drift away
My life can finally start

Without saying a word
You alter my existence
Hope and love and happiness
Dreams I will experience

I yearn to keep this moment
Unspoiled in my heart
A fleeting glimpse of happiness
A precious work of art

Something From The Past

This is a couple years old and I found it in a notebook and thought I'd share some whining:

I always thought that loving could be enough. Love is such a simple feeling. Love is something that just is. You find someone and you love them. You give a piece of yourself to them and trust that they will take care of it. I thought that if you loved hard enough then it would conquer all. Time and space could be no obstacle. I was a fool. Things don't always work out like you plan them. Love isn't always the great conquering force that we'd like to believe. The world seems to tease you with love. The truth is that when you really love someone heartache is the only real end. If you love someone and they leave you lose that piece of yourself forever. If you leave you bring that same unbearable pain to them. Why do we seek out such an unfair emotion? Is the now more important than the agony that the end brings? I honestly don't know if the now is more desirable. Would I trade knowing you and loving you for an end to this pain? Could you ever really be a regret? This pain is unbearable and I fear each day that it will consume me. My heart aches and I know it will never be whole again. Could I ever regret you? Would I ever trade those moments of happiness? The world is a cruel place. It feels like at times God is laughing at our misfortunes. I'm not a strong person. I hide. I pretend. I never want to deal. Every step forward only seems to lead me back. Could I regret you? How can you regret the best thing that ever happened to you? I wish I would have fought for you. I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could I have saved you. Those are things I can regret. I could never regret you.

Keeping it Together

Ok, I said I wouldn't write about the people in my life. That was my New Years resolution. It is really hard for me to keep. He is my attempt to keep it:

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Ok, I feel a little better now. Resolution still going strong.

Sleepy Me

I have come to realize that I'm not thinking the best when I sleep. I know that sounds funny but it is so true right now. I have been having so many wacky dreams on this pain medication. I wake up every morning extremely confused about what really happens in my life and what was just a dream. I have had conversations with people and honestly I don't know if they were real or not. Did I talk football with some folks? Did I work out problems with others? Have I been texting and calling in the middle of the night to discuss things? I'm really worried about that one. I check my phone first thing every morning just to make sure because I wake up and I'm sure that I have. Thank goodness I haven't yet, but I am very paranoid about that. It is very trippy!! Reality starts to merge with dreams when you are sleeping 10 to 14 hours a day. I am just so sleepy! All the time. I wake up and just and just want to go back to sleep. Right this second I want to go back to bed and I slept 10 1/2 hours last night. No reason to be sleepy! I should be so well rested. Alas, it is not the case. I want to sleep. I sort of want to get lost in the crazy land that my mind has made up. Be it ever so confusing at the moment it still seems more real than the one I'm awake in. Maybe I'm really asleep now. Maybe this is all my imagination and that is why my body is trying to get me to go back to bed? Hmmm now that is a thought worth pondering.

Oops

So I've learned the last couple of days that I suck at being on medication. There is no other way to describe me other than stoned. I have gotten more sleep in the last 48 hours than I have probably gotten in the last week. They make me sleepy and stupid. I also have crazy dreams that seem like reality. That's fun. People have been so fortunate that I haven't called at 4 o'clock in the morning because I wake and think that I have. hahaha! I have also managed to pop one of my stitches already. That's a good time. It was the one holding one of the holes closed so now I can see all of my meaty flesh. It's delightful:) Walking on stitches suck! It's like a knife to the foot everytime weight is applied to it. I'm totally gimpy now! I love being borderline crippled. I really should be more careful. I total took a pain pill and hopped in the car and was driving around. Oops. To make it sound even better it is nasty snowing out. Oops again. Oh, and let me up that again and say that I was totally texting while driving. Oops a third time:) I think my thinking might be a touch impaired. I might need a babysitter!

Bob Saga Update

Here is the official Bob saga update. Today I went to the hospital to have my biopsies. I had two of them today. The most exciting thing was that the damn spot on my finger stayed with me. Yes after all this time and frustration I learned that it is just a spot. Awesome!! Now the fun is that I still had surgery today. I had two excisional biopsies on my feet. I had two strange spots on my feet and since they were planning on removing one already today they just decided to hack them both off. Better safe than sorry I guess. So I think the drama has ended. My mother said that the surgeon was extremely positive afterwards and I think this mess is over. All I have to say to that is it's about time! Of course now I get the fun of sitting here watching the blood seep through the bandage and sock on my heel. I guess that it could be hours of enjoyment for me since I have the pain meds to keep me company for a few. Anyhoo, I think things are all good:)

New Year

I really like to blog. I like to talk to no one and everyone at the same time. There is something about talking to the void that soothes my soul. Unfortunately I am selfish with it sometimes. I've been doing this for years. I air all my dirty laundry and I don't really care who knows it but it does sometimes hurt the other parties in my life. I remember this one time I was dating a person and I was an emotional mess. I had just lost the love of my life and was struggling to just keep going. I went on a couple of dates and couldn't handle things. The only way I could cope with this crazy guilt I felt was to drink. I wrote a blog about how I could only do things with this person if I was drunk. The other party read it and was extremely hurt. It never occurred to me to not air that out. I never gave a second thought to how it would affect the other person. I mean I might not mean to hurt people by writing about them but I do. I wrote mean things about one of my friends just a few blogs ago. Yes, I needed to vent, but it was hurtful and it is now out there for the world to read. I mean, I know I don't have thousands of readers or anything, but still someone will most likely read what I write. I shouldn't have written it. I should have cooled down first and thought about how my words could affect my friend. It's wrong of me to throw the people in my life into my blogs. I don't really like to talk about my feelings in real life which is why I am overly open in blogs. I know one of my friends would disagree with me on that, but I can assure her that she really is the only person I openly talk to about anything that is going on in my head. Sorry about that... I bottle things up so much and don't want to burden anyone with my issues. So when I get upset I run to the only outlet that allows me to be open. It doesn't make it ok for the other people in my life. I would tell anyone anything that I write on here in person, but I just don't volunteer the info. For the most part everything just rattles around in my brain searching for an escape. I am going to try and not bring everyone I know into this for a bit. We'll call it my new years resolution. Trying to not hurt others with my blog. If I can not be overly selfish I can do it. Wish me luck!