I'm Such A Girl

Here's a short funny story for the day. I get home last night from hanging out with some of my friends. My gf and I are in my living room and all of a sudden there is this clanging sound from my furnace. It sounds like something is flying in the pipe. I realize what that sound is quickly, a bird!! It has somehow gotten into the pipe from the roof and is now stuck. I'm a little freaked out about it but decide to go with the shut the bedroom door turn on a fan and hop the cat kills it approach. The morning arrives and I creep out of the bedroom looking to see if dead bird is hanging out somewhere on the floor. I see nothing and hear nothing so I figure that maybe it got out somehow. About half an hour passes and then I hear the clanging again. Then all of a sudden in swoops the bird!! Panic time for me! I scream like the girl I am and hide under the covers! Thank goodness I wasn't alone! The gf takes a box and captures the bird and sets it free. My hero! I am such a girl at times!!!

My Voice

I think I may have lost my voice a bit. Not my singing voice by my voice in life. I've let my friends dictate how I should express myself. I've worried about hurting people and protecting them so much that I've lost an important part of myself. Most of the time it isn't worth it. Why should I care how my words effect them? It isn't as though I'm writing horrible things about them most of the time. Usually if someone gets included in this form it is because they are important to me. Some feelings and issues are better handled in a format that is less confrontational. I don't want to fight with people. I don't like how that makes me feel. I don't like how I can make people feel if I turn my temper onto them. If I write about it then sure they may see it, but it is in a digestible manner. Are my blogs the end all and be all of my truth? No, but it is a truth for that moment. If I'm upset today does that mean I'm upset tomorrow? I don't understand why I have to censure myself for them. I get that words can hurt. I know how to hurt people with them. I don't deny that. I'm going to take my voice back. If I have something on my mind I'm going to write about it. If I have someone on my mind, well, then I'm going to write about them. This is who I am. I'm tired of trying to conform to what people think I should be. I suck at hiding from myself. You know what forcing yourself to be something you're not leads to? It leads to crazy and I don't want to visit that again. Look for some real ponderings from this theatre addicts mind. I'm taking back my voice and sorry if you don't understand that

Let Me Ramble

I walked outside yesterday to stop and smell the lilacs. The perfect representation of spring. Sweet, inviting, beautiful. They give you hope that anything is possible. A new beginning. It is a feeling that you can't help but love. The thing about lilacs is that they are fleeting. They come into you life for just a few heartbeats and then they are gone leaving you with only the hope of seeing them again in the future. A glimpse of perfection. I love the lilac. I do. It makes me very happy but I know that it is never going to be mine to keep. It is just something that I can feel and enjoy but not have grand hopes for. An innocent love really.
I miss things not being complicated. I wish I could have a few of those perfect easy moments back. There were days that I felt like anything was possible. Everything got so complicated. It all turned into a giant mess that hurts more than words can describe. How much of things were a joke to everyone involved but me? I wish I had a clear handle on things. All I have are my pesky feelings and I think everyone knows that those are what gets me into so much trouble. I just want to enjoy spring. I want to embrace the new adventure that I'm trying to embark on. I want happiness without all the pretense. I'm really happy at the moment and I really want to enjoy it. I don't know, I guess I'm rambling a bit.

I'm Not Crazy!!!

Guess who got a you're not crazy from the therapist today?!? I have to say that I'm pretty happy to be told that I'm not crazy. It brings a huge smile to my face! I'm the happiest I've been in ages. I think that going crazy let me release huge amounts of stuff that had been building for years. I'm taking crazy as a positive. I have let go of large amounts of guilt. I have become open with who I am. I know who is really a friend to me and who isn't. I got those things out of this experience. I also got the most important thing ever out of this experience, I got my faith in God! Yes, I have found my faith finally. I let God into my heart. I let Jesus into my heart. I have to say it feels good. I had to let go of my guilt before I could have a real relationship with God. If you believe that Jesus died for your sins then you can't hold him a distance to keep him away from your sin. God stepped in and saved my life. I know that with every fiber of my being. God had my niece call me at the exact moment that kept me from doing something drastic. God allowed me to have a friend that I loved enough to keep me safe. God works in funny ways. I think I have been hard headed for ages when it came to faith. I needed a scary God so that I could keep my guilt. Goodbye guilt! I have found my faith. I always knew that I needed a relationship with God to make me whole but I resisted it. Everything is so different now. I feel like a complete person. It really is a wonderful feeling:)

It's Not A Slight

Let me explain something here, just because I am enjoying the ACL group doesn't mean that I think poorly of any of my other friends. I find it frustrating that people would feel slighted in any way when I say that it is easy to go to ACL because I'm open there. I know that everyone has entered a new situation before with the chance to present yourself in a way that you would actually be seen. It is like that for me in this situation. If I go into the show as the gay chick then it is just the way it is. I don't have to have conversations about it. I don't have to worry about people I've known for seven years all of a sudden being concerned that I'm checking them out constantly. Trust me, this happens. It's frustrating. It doesn't mean that I think my friends are not supportive. It doesn't mean that I don't value them in any way what so ever. It just means that I don't have to have as many conversations about a topic that really shouldn't be an issue. I don't know if most people can understand that fact? Sometimes, and I know you will find this shocking, I get tired of talking about things. Yes, I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. I have nothing to lose at ACL. I have nothing to explain. It is just the way it is there. It can't be that way with the groups of friends I have other places. I have ties that will be lost one day just because of who I am. It is scary at times. It is saddening at times. I love all of my friends very much and don't want to hurt them. I just need them to understand that sometimes it isn't about them. They treat me wonderfully and are very supportive. I still had to have a conversation with most of them that could have went very poorly. I just enjoy skipping the conversation from time to time.

I Love Me Some ACL Nights

The thing that I love about A Chorus Line is that I think I can be myself there. I'm a little goofy. I'm a little demanding. I'm a little gay. I was having a lovely conversation about chicks last night with one of the girls and it was so comfortable. I miss that feeling. I've pushed it down for some time. I've dated one girl since my love died and it was a disaster. I've avoided since then. I've only really dated one other person in two and a half years and it was a guy. Yes, I loved him very much and still do, but my heart didn't skip a beat when he walked into a room. I could deal with that mainly by finding extremely straight girls to swoon over. One in general recently. It was a safe crush that I could channel the crazy passion into. I'm a passionate person. I want to be romantic and grand. I also want physical. I like to kiss and touch and be held. Those things make me happy. I really would like to have them in one person. I really want a girl. Let's face facts here. I'm pretty damn gay. I like to pretend straight. I like to make out with guys. I'm pretty successful at that. It's easy. I suck at girls. I get nervous. I get awkward. I get the butterflies. They are so much more exciting. I play the bi card to much. It's not really true. I just don't like the idea of hell and like to live in denial. Well, screw that. I don't think that being gay is a one way ticket to hell. I'm happier when I'm openly gay. I love chatting about hot girls with my friends. I love not playing a role. I love my A Chorus Line family because it isn't an issue. For the record just know that no matter how I play things off I'm gay. Remember that and the fact that I don't want to sleep with my straight girl friends. Straight girls are bad for the soul:)

A Blah Day

Here is a post crazy truth: I'm afraid of my emotions. If I'm having any emotion other than happy happy joy joy I'm terrified. I guess I'm not entirely sure how to take myself yet. Everything about the situation that happened was terrifying. I don't ever want to be anywhere near that again. I'm not having any type of unpleasant thought but I'm not jumping for joy at the moment and it makes me worry about the what if factor. Irrational fear at it's best. I suppose that this is to be expected. I mean my emotions and mind turned against me. I would be in denial if I one hundred percent trusted them yet. It's just scary. I don't like being scared. I don't want to be scared. Blah days shouldn't be a terror. I'm not crazy or dangerous I'm just nervous. I would prefer all happy feelings...