Another day

Another day is here and I'm so troubled. I truly wish that I could do something to ease my friends suffereing. I feel like we all were given a wake up call about life. We are such fagile creatures. We can have so much of what we think defines ourselves taken away in a heartbeat. It is scary. One day you are smiling with someone and the next their life is completely altered. I don't know what to make of it. I have spent the vast majority of my day dwelling on it. There is nothing I can do or say that will make any of this better, but I want to try. Kind words and good thoughts only go so far. Unfortunately, that is all I have. How can that ever be enough? My friends are hurting. My friends are scared. I have nothing to offer. What is one supposed to do in this situation? Sit and think? Stand and dwell? Pace and worry? That's what I've been doing all day and I don't think it is doing anything for anyone. It hurts my heart to know I can't help. What a horrible horrible mess.

Accidents

I really hate guns. I really don't understand the need for them in regular life. If people didn't have them for stupid reasons maybe a kid wouldn't be looking at life in a wheelchair right now. It is so easy to have something stupid happen with one. I don't have to even know the whole story to know that it is a huge stupid reason. Why would anyone need to be carrying a handgun? Are we all so afraid for our safety that it is necessary to have them? I don't get it. Do we see them as a toy? Are they treated with the respect that they deserve? I think that people believe that nothing can happen to them just because they can shoot one. Big deal! Being able to shoot doesn't mean that you can't have stupid accidents! It saddens me sooooo much that this happened. This is a kid who knew guns. He probably thought nothing like this could happen. Guess what it did. He is now a statistic. A story of what can happen. I wish we listened to those stories. I wish we learned from mistakes and accidents. I hate guns. I hate what they represent. I don't want to touch them or be a part of them. I'm not fighting any wars here. I'm not protecting my family. I'm not trying to get dinner. I have no reason for them. I wish more people saw things this way. I wish that this didn't happen. You are in my prayers.

Rules To A Game

I am trying really hard to enjoy the moment that I am having. Some moments it is amazing. When we are together everything is easy and wonderful. Unfortunately there are the times we are not together that troubles me to no end. It's not that I'm overly insecure about things it just that I'm not so good at the game we are trying to play. If you are playing a game then there should be some goal to play for and I'm not sure that there really is a winner at the end of this game. I'm playing because I really want to play but I worry that in the end we will both lose. I hate losing. I'm trying to follow the rules, but sometimes its seems like the rules change on a whim. I wish this was easier. I'm worried way too much that I have done something to basically break the rules and ruin things between us Hell, this is breaking the rule to some extent. Hopefully a blog doesn't mess things up, but I do need some way to sort out my thoughts on the matter. Talking to the great void has always been helpful in the past. I really do suck at the game!

I Don't Remember That Last Post

Well, I really didn't know I wrote that last blog. Hmmmm......Wine.....
Anyway, I am so broken up at the moment. Apparently I said I was falling for someone and I am. I'm a mess with it. It is eating me up on the inside. Maybe it is the time of year. It is less then a week from the two year anniversary of the love of my life's death. It seems like just yesterday that we could, but no, it has been 2 year. Two years since things seemed right. Now I'm in a situation where I could let someone in. I really like the guy that I mentioned before. There is no doubt about it. Unfortunately, I have this feeling that I will end up completely heartbroken by him. That terrifies me. The feeling is screaming at me from my soul. I know it will end up bad for me. It is a terrible dilemma for me. Could I be passing up something amazing because I'm afraid? I think that the answer to that would be a yes. What to do then? Should I take a chance? Should I close myself off? Should I just go with it and whatever happens happens? My heart is so heavy right now. I really just wish I had my love back and I wouldn't have to deal with this. I really wouldn't have mattered if we would have been together or not. I would have had my hope. I really miss that hope. I don't know if a new relationship will fill me with hope. I think that it could be amazing in the now. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to just embrace the now.

First Half Drunk Blog

When I wrote on myspace i tended to write several half crockede blogs. They were probably some of my most honest blogs, but they also led to some of the oddest conversation afterward. Well, this is my first half crocked blogs on this site. I just drank a bottle of wine and now I feel like sharing. I know it is always a bad idea to share when the alcohal is taken over, but whatever. Who cares I have the hiccups and I feel like alking. Sue me! I think I may havea seriuos crush theatening to take over my life. I met a guy and I really like him. I don't know what it is, but he makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him. I don't know if it is the best thing for me, but I'm trying to take a step back and enjoy the feelings. I get too intense at times. Maybe that is a bad thing, but i wouldn't trade it for the would. Feelings tend to rule my life. If I'm happy should I run? What is wrong with taking a chance on something that may not be forever? I am working on not being so intense and breathing in life. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction!

The Flirt

I think I may flirt a little too much at times. I don't really notice it most of the time, but I did yesterday. I was one of those "Damn, I think I'm flirting" moments. I should have just rolled with it, but I made the mistake of saying to one of my friends that I thought I was flirting. He then preceded to describe me as a giant flirt with this whole list of people that I've apparently toyed with their feelings. Okay, that isn't really fair. Some of them I have done wrong. I admit that, but not as many as he was poor so and soing. He just kept naming names. Boys and girls that I have been the object of my attention. It is really hard for me see what I'm doing. I don't think most see that I am a really physical person. I try very hard to keep it in check, but I think it comes out mostly around my guy friends and they take it as flirting. I'm very anti physical contact with my girl friends because I don't want them to think I'm crossing some line with them that I'm not. It makes things a little tricky at times, but I thought I had it under control. I think that it is time for people to realize that I don't have any game and if I am really trying to hit on you it will be pathetic. If I'm really interested one of two equally pathetic things will happen. One, I will get clumsy. Dropping drinks. Running into things. Not remembering my balance and falling over. Two, pathetic puppy dog syndrome. I will follow you. do whatever you ask. Be the bestest friend one can be. Those are my terrible flirting methods. You have been warned!