I Have A Story

I like to write. It makes me feel better. The resolution to not write about people sucks. Everyone gets all offended when they end up here. Stuff comes up and I want to write about it. If people I know are involved I still want to write about it. What this is going to lead to is the I have a story for you messages that my friends will be getting. I just have to talk sometimes. I prefer to talk to the nothingness but I guess that option doesn't sit well with my friends. I sent one of my I have a story messages yesterday to a friend. I think it might have been something that was unexpected. It was one I didn't get a response from. Ha! Sometimes I talk just to talk and don't need to have a discussion about later. It is just something that is out there. I didn't talk about things for so long that when I need to release I just have to do it. Maybe I will try to send out some good I have a story messages to balance out the bad ones. Maybe I can ease my way back into the good graces of the folks in my life. I have lots of stories.

Blackouts!

I think I am going to take a step in the direction of trying to not be crazy. I mean, lets face it, I've being rocking crazyville for awhile now. I would love to say that drinking is what brings out the crazy. I know it helps bring the crazy but it is not the only thing. I get so upset at times and just snap. I mean really snap. I mean like blackout snap. Usually the blackouts come when I'm drunk, but it has happened when I've been sober. It is so weird when you are standing there and people are asking you what you've done and you honestly have no idea what they are talking about. I'm not going to say I'm not in control of my actions at those moments. I don't know what I am. Scary is my guess. I have been told by several people how scary I can be. I wish I understood what they see. There's just nothing. I trashed a set in the middle of a scene during a show and I have no recollection of doing it. I walked off stage and they all wanted to know what happened. I thought they were all on crack until we walked out for bows and I saw what I did. The director just came up to me after and told me to work on my separation. No clue what happened. I was there. I did it. I don't why. I don't know what was going on in my head. It is just a lot of nothing. It is very odd. I don't really know if people believe that I don't remember these things. Surprise I'm not lying. Whole lot of nothing. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I'm afraid that I'm going to go after someone and hurt them and not have any idea that I've done it. Something has to be there. There has to be some logical reason that this happens. Don't get me wrong, this isn't something that happens everyday. I don't have tons and tons of experience with how did I get here and what have I done. I have enough to be worried about it though. I going to go the the crazy doctor. Have them give me a hand at getting the crazy under control I don't want to lose anymore time. I don't want to be scared of what I'm capable of. I don't want to scare people. I hate that I have had people look at me with terror in there eyes and ask me what happened to me. I don't have an answer for that. I just have holes. These weird pockets of nothing that have spanned my entire life. I have to get to the bottom of them.

A Blog About My Temper

I have a terrible temper. Let's start with that. I am mean when I'm angry. I think I have told most of the people I know about this fact. I'm not proud of it. It is the worst part of my personality. I have a short fuse and I can turn on people in a heartbeat. It is the monster I have dealt with my entire life. I was a mean little kid. Example, this one time we were sitting around looking at baseball cards and the neighbor kid grabbed one of my Ozzie Smith cards and bent it and I threw him down his steps. Another time a neighbor kid called me a bitch and I attacked him and knocked out his front tooth. That was me. I had a reputation by third grade as being a kid you didn't mess with. I wasn't a bully just someone that people knew would beat the crap out of you if you pissed off and they knew that it didn't really take much to piss me off. By the time I got to high school I didn't want to be that person. I never fought in high school. I never raised a fist at anyone. Honestly I hated that part of me so much at I became a total pacifist. That didn't mean that my rage went away. I tried to bury it. Mostly I was successful. I did learn that alcohol brought out the monster. There was the time at a party I got mad and kicked a hole in my friends wall. I know I threatened to beat peoples asses before when I was drunk. Rage. Pure and simple. Then I discovered something that stopped the rage. If I caused myself physical pain everything became calm. I would get enraged and find a wall to punch. I feel the monster taking over and I would find something solid to hit and I would hit it with such force that my entire hand would swell up. Not a good solution but it calmed things down. That solved things for a long time. I would still rage but I wouldn't go after anyone and that made me feel better. Flash forward a few years. I got really upset with someone I knew. They not only made me angry but hurt my feelings very deeply. Hitting the walls didn't help. It didn't make the monster go back inside. That was the first time I cut. As I watched the blood seep from my body a strange calm over took me. It was a completely different calm than what hitting walls gave me. Everything was just so quiet. Watching as life slowly trickled out of myself I didn't feel any of the pain and anger that was inside of me. It became an addiction for me. A crutch to lean on when things got bad. The bad thing was that I desired that calm. So I would cut more. It was out of control. I knew I needed to stop and I did. I would go give blood and watch all of that life trickle out of me and I would get that calmness. I could go every eight weeks and get my fix of calm. Then I started having trouble with my iron levels and couldn't give blood which led to me cutting again. I would get hysterical if I didn't have my box cutter with me and not be able to touch it and know if I needed it it was there. One time I was so upset that I left it at work that I ran to the store to buy a box of straight razors just to make sure if the rage and pain came I could keep it quiet. That was a bad day and I stopped for a long time. To take my mind off everything I started drinking more. I didn't seem to be raging out of control anymore when I drank so that was a plus. It was a new crutch to keep the monster a bay. Don't cut just drink. I've had varying degrees of success with that. Drinking has brought the monster back. I'm trying not to cut. I gave away my favorite tools and I'm lost. I've raged on people and didn't have my faithful friend with me. I don't have it now. I really want it. I want to get my temper back under control Anyway that is an explanation of my temper.

Bad Girl Poetry

Quietly I watch you sleep
And my soul is at ease
I could spend an eternity in this moment
And be at peace

Gentleness radiates from you
Enveloping my heart
Fears and doubts drift away
My life can finally start

Without saying a word
You alter my existence
Hope and love and happiness
Dreams I will experience

I yearn to keep this moment
Unspoiled in my heart
A fleeting glimpse of happiness
A precious work of art

Something From The Past

This is a couple years old and I found it in a notebook and thought I'd share some whining:

I always thought that loving could be enough. Love is such a simple feeling. Love is something that just is. You find someone and you love them. You give a piece of yourself to them and trust that they will take care of it. I thought that if you loved hard enough then it would conquer all. Time and space could be no obstacle. I was a fool. Things don't always work out like you plan them. Love isn't always the great conquering force that we'd like to believe. The world seems to tease you with love. The truth is that when you really love someone heartache is the only real end. If you love someone and they leave you lose that piece of yourself forever. If you leave you bring that same unbearable pain to them. Why do we seek out such an unfair emotion? Is the now more important than the agony that the end brings? I honestly don't know if the now is more desirable. Would I trade knowing you and loving you for an end to this pain? Could you ever really be a regret? This pain is unbearable and I fear each day that it will consume me. My heart aches and I know it will never be whole again. Could I ever regret you? Would I ever trade those moments of happiness? The world is a cruel place. It feels like at times God is laughing at our misfortunes. I'm not a strong person. I hide. I pretend. I never want to deal. Every step forward only seems to lead me back. Could I regret you? How can you regret the best thing that ever happened to you? I wish I would have fought for you. I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could I have saved you. Those are things I can regret. I could never regret you.

Keeping it Together

Ok, I said I wouldn't write about the people in my life. That was my New Years resolution. It is really hard for me to keep. He is my attempt to keep it:

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Ok, I feel a little better now. Resolution still going strong.

Sleepy Me

I have come to realize that I'm not thinking the best when I sleep. I know that sounds funny but it is so true right now. I have been having so many wacky dreams on this pain medication. I wake up every morning extremely confused about what really happens in my life and what was just a dream. I have had conversations with people and honestly I don't know if they were real or not. Did I talk football with some folks? Did I work out problems with others? Have I been texting and calling in the middle of the night to discuss things? I'm really worried about that one. I check my phone first thing every morning just to make sure because I wake up and I'm sure that I have. Thank goodness I haven't yet, but I am very paranoid about that. It is very trippy!! Reality starts to merge with dreams when you are sleeping 10 to 14 hours a day. I am just so sleepy! All the time. I wake up and just and just want to go back to sleep. Right this second I want to go back to bed and I slept 10 1/2 hours last night. No reason to be sleepy! I should be so well rested. Alas, it is not the case. I want to sleep. I sort of want to get lost in the crazy land that my mind has made up. Be it ever so confusing at the moment it still seems more real than the one I'm awake in. Maybe I'm really asleep now. Maybe this is all my imagination and that is why my body is trying to get me to go back to bed? Hmmm now that is a thought worth pondering.

Oops

So I've learned the last couple of days that I suck at being on medication. There is no other way to describe me other than stoned. I have gotten more sleep in the last 48 hours than I have probably gotten in the last week. They make me sleepy and stupid. I also have crazy dreams that seem like reality. That's fun. People have been so fortunate that I haven't called at 4 o'clock in the morning because I wake and think that I have. hahaha! I have also managed to pop one of my stitches already. That's a good time. It was the one holding one of the holes closed so now I can see all of my meaty flesh. It's delightful:) Walking on stitches suck! It's like a knife to the foot everytime weight is applied to it. I'm totally gimpy now! I love being borderline crippled. I really should be more careful. I total took a pain pill and hopped in the car and was driving around. Oops. To make it sound even better it is nasty snowing out. Oops again. Oh, and let me up that again and say that I was totally texting while driving. Oops a third time:) I think my thinking might be a touch impaired. I might need a babysitter!

Bob Saga Update

Here is the official Bob saga update. Today I went to the hospital to have my biopsies. I had two of them today. The most exciting thing was that the damn spot on my finger stayed with me. Yes after all this time and frustration I learned that it is just a spot. Awesome!! Now the fun is that I still had surgery today. I had two excisional biopsies on my feet. I had two strange spots on my feet and since they were planning on removing one already today they just decided to hack them both off. Better safe than sorry I guess. So I think the drama has ended. My mother said that the surgeon was extremely positive afterwards and I think this mess is over. All I have to say to that is it's about time! Of course now I get the fun of sitting here watching the blood seep through the bandage and sock on my heel. I guess that it could be hours of enjoyment for me since I have the pain meds to keep me company for a few. Anyhoo, I think things are all good:)

New Year

I really like to blog. I like to talk to no one and everyone at the same time. There is something about talking to the void that soothes my soul. Unfortunately I am selfish with it sometimes. I've been doing this for years. I air all my dirty laundry and I don't really care who knows it but it does sometimes hurt the other parties in my life. I remember this one time I was dating a person and I was an emotional mess. I had just lost the love of my life and was struggling to just keep going. I went on a couple of dates and couldn't handle things. The only way I could cope with this crazy guilt I felt was to drink. I wrote a blog about how I could only do things with this person if I was drunk. The other party read it and was extremely hurt. It never occurred to me to not air that out. I never gave a second thought to how it would affect the other person. I mean I might not mean to hurt people by writing about them but I do. I wrote mean things about one of my friends just a few blogs ago. Yes, I needed to vent, but it was hurtful and it is now out there for the world to read. I mean, I know I don't have thousands of readers or anything, but still someone will most likely read what I write. I shouldn't have written it. I should have cooled down first and thought about how my words could affect my friend. It's wrong of me to throw the people in my life into my blogs. I don't really like to talk about my feelings in real life which is why I am overly open in blogs. I know one of my friends would disagree with me on that, but I can assure her that she really is the only person I openly talk to about anything that is going on in my head. Sorry about that... I bottle things up so much and don't want to burden anyone with my issues. So when I get upset I run to the only outlet that allows me to be open. It doesn't make it ok for the other people in my life. I would tell anyone anything that I write on here in person, but I just don't volunteer the info. For the most part everything just rattles around in my brain searching for an escape. I am going to try and not bring everyone I know into this for a bit. We'll call it my new years resolution. Trying to not hurt others with my blog. If I can not be overly selfish I can do it. Wish me luck!