Blackouts!

I think I am going to take a step in the direction of trying to not be crazy. I mean, lets face it, I've being rocking crazyville for awhile now. I would love to say that drinking is what brings out the crazy. I know it helps bring the crazy but it is not the only thing. I get so upset at times and just snap. I mean really snap. I mean like blackout snap. Usually the blackouts come when I'm drunk, but it has happened when I've been sober. It is so weird when you are standing there and people are asking you what you've done and you honestly have no idea what they are talking about. I'm not going to say I'm not in control of my actions at those moments. I don't know what I am. Scary is my guess. I have been told by several people how scary I can be. I wish I understood what they see. There's just nothing. I trashed a set in the middle of a scene during a show and I have no recollection of doing it. I walked off stage and they all wanted to know what happened. I thought they were all on crack until we walked out for bows and I saw what I did. The director just came up to me after and told me to work on my separation. No clue what happened. I was there. I did it. I don't why. I don't know what was going on in my head. It is just a lot of nothing. It is very odd. I don't really know if people believe that I don't remember these things. Surprise I'm not lying. Whole lot of nothing. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I'm afraid that I'm going to go after someone and hurt them and not have any idea that I've done it. Something has to be there. There has to be some logical reason that this happens. Don't get me wrong, this isn't something that happens everyday. I don't have tons and tons of experience with how did I get here and what have I done. I have enough to be worried about it though. I going to go the the crazy doctor. Have them give me a hand at getting the crazy under control I don't want to lose anymore time. I don't want to be scared of what I'm capable of. I don't want to scare people. I hate that I have had people look at me with terror in there eyes and ask me what happened to me. I don't have an answer for that. I just have holes. These weird pockets of nothing that have spanned my entire life. I have to get to the bottom of them.