Laughing At Myself

Here's me laughing at myself for a moment. The other day I was freaking out about relationship stuff and where I fit in with my friends. It seemed like it was the huge deal that was grating my temper more than it should have been. I threw it into the molehill category that I have as of late. Yesterday I proceeded to freak out about stuff that really wasn't that important. Then I had a mini pity party for myself and almost missed out on a really good night with my friends. Here's the laughing at myself part. I got home and started the dreaded period. Well hell! My wacky moods make so much more sense to me. It was one of those oh yeah it is that time of the month moments. It totally cracks me up! I guess I lost track of things and then evil bitch Shanna came out and I didn't realize that there might me a reason. Hahahaha. I can go from 0 to bitch in a heartbeat for about 2 days a month and it was the last 2. At least I will be giddy to ring in the new year. I'm always in a fantastic mood the first couple of days. Fun times.

Less of a Pork Chop

Here is something else to be positive about. I have lost some serious weight! I was such a pork chop for a good long while. I'm not a tall person and to be honest I was pushing the 150 mark. That was the biggest I had ever been. I felt like crap. Every picture I saw of myself I thought fat ass. I'm not saying that people looked at me on the street and thought that I was huge. I mean I was a size 8. That isn't huge by any stretch of the imagination. I just felt huge. There was a lot more jiggle in my belly than I would like. So I haven't felt the best the last couple of months. First I was sick. Then I had large amounts of stress to deal with. After that the Bob saga began. Needless to say this has all affected my eating habits. I'm not going to lie and say this has been in any way healthy but here I am after the holiday eating season sitting under 130. I can put on a size 4 pant. That is so exciting. I'm not looking in the mirror and thinking fat. Hell, I'm almost at my all time weight goal. I've always wanted to be at 120. I think that is a good weight for my height. I think that goal is actually in sight. When I start the dancing for A Chorus Line I can only imagine dropping some weight. How awesome is that?!? I really do feel better lighter. I feel less blah. So maybe I have cancer. Whatever, at least I'll look good when they treat me for it. I'm going with this is a positive of the situation:)

Something More Positive

I think I have written too many Debbie downer blogs in a row and need to write something that doesn't make my life sound like crap. I got a great part in A Chorus Line! I am Diana!! I am soooo excited to get the chance to sing What I Did For Love. What a wonderful song. I'm a little shocked that I got the part. I was the only person who looked latina that auditioned but still. I'm not the strongest dancer in the world and Diana does make the chorus line. I thought I had a better chance at Maggie mainly because she doesn't make the line. I know that there are way stronger dancers in the cast than me and I'm shocked to get a great part in a dance show. I am going to have to work my ass off for the next three and a half months to get to where the other girls are. I have no formal dance training and these girls were dancing circles around me. Thank goodness I'm darker and I can sing. I can't wait to get started! This is a dream show for me. I can't believe that I get the chance to see this dream come true!

Molehills turned into mountains

I really need to stop getting so worked up about things. I'm just so stressed out and it makes me so emotional. My feelings are wounded so easily. Stuff that would have only slightly pissed my off before are now making me a weeping mess. I have some friends and two of them are much closer to me than the third one. It really bothers me that those three do things together and NEVER invite me. They do things as a "family" and I'm not in that particular family I guess. I do feel that two of them are family but I must be the half sister that they don't really want around large chucks of the time. I'm sure I'm making something out of nothing but it still bothers me. Why can't I ever get included? Is their that much animosity toward me that I just don't see? I try. I try really hard. Maybe that is the problem. I try so hard that I drive folks away. I am very intense at times. I do push a lot. I can over nurture situations. Man I would hate me as a parent! I just want to be invited. I just want to be included. Is that so much to ask. Hell, I'm in a relationship with one of the people and I still don't get invited. It kind of makes me feel like Risk is ashamed of me. I'm only okay to be around in the dark of night or far far away from anybody possibly seeing us together. All this time and I still am just a dirty little secret. Yep, I'm too emotional...

Regrets

I'm on facebook and this stupid app asked me to name one of my regrets. Well since I'm sitting here drinking wine freaking out about things I think I will answer on here. Let me pick a good regret. I'm going to go with my 18th birthday. My dad was dying of cancer. I really mean dying here. My birthday was a Friday. I had a softball game. I didn't want to be home. I went out. I came home late. I sucked as a kid. I didn't want to deal with sick parent. I was rocking the denial hardcore. The end was not upon us. I was a brat that whole weekend. The next day I went and hung out with this boy that I liked. We started a relationship that day. I was young and in infatuation. I didn't care about anything but the boy. My mom told me that night how upset my dad was that I didn't mention my birthday to him and that he didn't get to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't care. Denial was in control. The next say I went to the circus with my friends. We had a fabulous time. Very young and very innocent. I got home late again. When I got home my aunts and uncles were at my house. It was bad. I went to bed. I went to be with the thought of "well, I had a great birthday, got a new boyfriend and really had fun at the circus and now my dad is going to die." It most definitely happened that night. I was selfish. I didn't want to be inconvenienced by his suffering. I was a terrible person. That is a true regret that I will have to carry with me all of my days.

The Bob Saga Takes A Turn

I got a call from the hospital a few hours ago to ask some questions for my upcoming surgery. Nothing like being caught off guard by the phone call. Let me start off with the doctor's visit this morning. This is the fourth doctor that I have seen in regards to the dumb spot on my finger that I have lovingly named Bob. Bob needs to go. It seems like all of the doctors are in agreement on this point. No one seems to know what caused Bob. It is just hanging out on my finger. This doctor today is a specialist. He thinks Bob is nothing but he can't be totally for sure without doing a biopsy. I'm like ok lets do it. He then asks if I have any other spots. Well, I have the weird spots on the bottom of my feet which have been there for a long time and never concerned me but I thought might as well show him. He thinks they are odd. Feet spots are not good apparently. He proceeds to pull out the ruler and measure them and decides that he should hack off one of them. Super fun. He is like we will do it at the same time. I tell him fine lets just this over with. He tells me that we will do it and he says we'll take you to the operating room and remove them. Ok, I'm thinking they have some room in the office that they do minor outpatient surgery. Then the nurse comes in. No such luck. She comes in and tells me that I have to go to my family doctor and get a physical because it is required for the surgery. My first reaction was I thought we were doing this now? She says no and starts asking me what hospital I want this done at. Excuse me? This doctor is in Cincinnati. I have no idea where she is trying to send me. Finally we decide that I will go to Dayton to let them hack my finger. We come up with a time and I leave extremely frustrated by the situation. Several hours later the hospital calls. They need to ask me some questions. Do I have diabetes? Do I take medication for high blood pressure? Stuff like that. Whatever. No big deal. Then they start talking about blood tests. I'm starting to get confused. I ask the poor lady on the phone what exactly is going on. Of course she doesn't know any real details but the vague ones are enough to send me over the edge. She starts with how the doctor has booked the operating room for and hour and forty five minutes. What??? Then she tells me that they plan on knocking me out. Bitch what??? She says she is sorry that she doesn't know more and then hangs up. That was a hell of a lot more than I knew to begin with. Now I'm terrified. I have a serious phobia of getting knocked out. I think that taking my chances with having cancer is a better option than doing this. I don't think I am capable of getting into a car and going down there to do this surgery. Aside from losing someone I love this is my biggest fear. I don't know what to do. I don't think Bob is cancer. I have no idea about the foot thing. That may very well be, but I bet they can hack that off in a doctor's office. Honestly someone may have to drag me kicking and screaming to the hospital to have this done. I doubt my anxiety medication can handle this fear. I am TERRIFIED of this. What to do. What to do?

Shame On Me Part 2

I'm an ass. I feel like a giant one right now. I put took out years of anger towards a couple of people and dumped all of it on someone who really didn't deserve it. I feel really terrible about it. I said mean things. I'm beating myself up for it. I spent hours crying about it. I'm just a little too emotional about things at the moment and mountains are being made of molehills. Sorry is all I have and I often wonder if that can ever really be enough. Hopefully it can be...

Shame On Me

Sometimes you don't get the people you want. I have found this to be true my entire life. The people I want to be there for me when I need them never seem to be the ones I get. It's like a thousand little deaths when you realize that the ones you want to care don't really. They say they do. You want to believe them. Reality is they just aren't. It's a grand reason not to trust people. It is a perfect reason to not let people in. They just kill you in small ways that they don't even understand. I hate that I keep believing that things can be different. People are people. They just constantly let you down. I'm just an inconvenience most of the time. I do need people from time to time. I do want to have friends that I can trust and turn to in a time of need. Unfortunately it doesn't usually work out the way I want them to. I've never had the person I've wanted in a crisis be there for me. I've had people be there for me don't get me wrong. I'm eternally grateful to those people but they weren't who my soul cried out for. Those people just run the other way. Because they are scared. Because they don't have the right words. Because they are mad. Or maybe they just suck as friends. Maybe I have the worst taste in people ever. Maybe I'm just fucking stupid when it comes to trusting people. Shame on me for thinking that things were different this time. My motto has been for ages I am a rock I am an island and I think I need to stick to that. Fuck people fuck the world. All I can count on is me and God. That is all I need.

Anxiety

I think it is fair to say that my life has spiraled a little out of control lately. Maybe it has been spiraling for years. I don't really know. What I do know is that I went to the doctor and he thought I should try some medication to even me out a bit. He thought it would help with my anxiety. I've always had anxiety. I can remember being in third grade being concerned about when the sun goes supernova and the earth is destroyed because of it. That is the person I have always been. I worry. I worry about the world. I worry about my friends. I worry about my loved ones. It is the foundation of my personality. It is really difficult when what you are takes over you life. It is also very strange to have some put you on a medication that should help you not be what you are. I mean it is a good thing to not have panic attacks. I don't like feeling like my heart is going to explode. I don't enjoy spending hours fretting about small details. Yet I miss it to some degree. I don't feel quite right. I've been told some stuff lately and I really think I should care more than I do. It's like there is a slight disconnect with my feelings. That sucks a lot for me. I'm a feelings person. I follow my heart more than my head. What am I supposed to do if I can't trust my feelings? I'm thinking that a therapist is the next place for me to go. Maybe if I go talk to someone and figure out healthier ways of dealing I won't need to take the medication. Maybe I can rebuild some of the armor that used to protect me from spiraling. I just know something has got to give and I hope it is soon.

Sexuality

I think I will write a tougher blog this time. I think it is high time I try to explain my sexuality. I think this is something that confuses most people. I don't think it is that confusing but I'm in my head all the time. I guess I see the world differently than a lot of people. When I was taught as a child to never judge a book by it's cover I took it to heart. I don't think that love is a gender specific thing. I'm a girl. I've dated boys. I've dated girls. I've fallen in love with boys. I've fallen in love with girls. When I look into someones eyes I don't see their gender. Male or female doesn't register their. I fall in love with what the eyes tell me. I fall in love with a soul. I want to look into someones eyes and see the possibility of forever there. I want to know that I could spend a thousand lifetimes exploring the subtle shifts and changes that emotion brings to them. I want to see joy and happiness fill their soul and shine so brightly in the their eyes that world is blinded by that radiance. That's what I fall in love with. I don't fall in love with body. I don't lose myself in the physical world. Honestly I don't understand why people get so lost in the physical aspects of love. Yes I want to desire someone and yes I do have things that attract me to people physically. The thing is that changes. Those things melt away. Beauty changes. Everyone realizes that. Everyone knows that the most beautiful person can have such an ugly soul that they are no longer beautiful. What is so wrong with falling in love with the person on the inside? What is so hard to understand about that? It is funny that I am too gay for some people and not gay enough for others. The truth of the matter is I'm a terrible example of either one. I just follow what my heart tells me. I try to see what is really there in a person. I want to be true to what their soul reveals. That is where my sexuality leads me.

My Filter

Sometimes I wish I had a filter that worked properly. I say things to people I shouldn't say. I don't say things to others that I should. My thought process at times is a little warped. I am an inappropriate laugher. I make jokes about things that are not in the least bit funny to try and hide what is really going on. I make people uncomfortable with my intensity at times. I also make people uncomfortable when I give them no feelings what so ever. I just mess things up frequently. It does weigh on my mind a lot. I don't know when to just be quiet. I am silent when I should speak out. It is like there is a giant disconnect. What I should do seems to be the opposite of what I do. Heck, even writing anything here causes issues. I don't filter here. I don't reread. I don't edit. It just comes out and then someone reads it and gets upset. I wish I knew how to control my mouth. I wish I was better at standing up for myself. I wish I was better at not making things worse. I don't know if it is at all redeemable that I think oddly. I sometimes see things in such a different way. Then I express them and I look like an ass or a nut. Which is better? I just hope I'm not doing irrevocable harm to my life by having confusion live in my filter.