Super

I honestly don't know how do deal with being afraid. I don't do scared for myself. I am struggling to stay above water at the moment. My family biggest bad word is cancer and now I may have it. It seems to be a death sentence for my family. It is a death sentence on both sides of the family. Just the mention of the word sends shivers down my spine. So when I went to the doctor last week and he said that this stupid spot on my finger could be cancer imagine my panic. I am trying to stay calm about it. I'm trying to cling to the might in this. I'm trying to not breakdown. Unfortunately, I'm not doing a very good job at it. I'm in a total panic. Last night I had a half hour breakdown in front of the refrigerator in my kitchen. Just couldn't stop crying. Each day that I have to wait to find out what is really going on is like an eternity of doubt and fear that I have to wade through. Then yesterday at church the pastor used specifically finding out that you melanoma and have 6 weeks to live in the sermon. Nothing like having the ultimate fear of this whole situation vocalized. I'm lucky that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then. I'm not a scene maker so I fought back every emotion that was threatening to overtake me. What a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I'm fixated on it. I can't think of anything else. Spending as much time alone as I do doesn't help either. I just sit and imagine the worst. And since the thing is on my finger all I do is look at it all day long. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown before. I guess the plan for the next week or so is drink. Make jokes about the situation. Pretend that I'm not absolutely petrified about all of this. My rational mind is telling me that this is all very early and that it will all be okay, but my irrational mind has more control at the moment. I hate not having any control.

Awkward

Sometimes I have so much on my mind I want to scream. I have to fight the urge to hide from myself. I do stuff that I shouldn't do. I have so many strange difficult conversations ahead of me. I hate awkward conversations. I should be getting a little more used to them because I have been having loads of them lately, but I'm not. I don't really want to explain weakness to people. Unfortunately I will have to explain things. That sucks. Everyone has there vices unfortunately mine is something no one really wants to talk about. I don't really want to talk about it. I've spend many years not talking about it. Problem is I don't think I can hide it this time. It is what it is. Is it a problem? Sometimes. Is it dangerous? Not really. Does it scare the crap out of people? Probably. I don't see a way to not talk about it. This is something to dread. Something to add to my stress. Blah blah blah. If it isn't one thing it's another. I really am getting on my own nerves at this point.

Spilling

Here is something I am trying to figure out:my diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to conversations with Lilac. I say so much. It is the weirdest thing. I don't tell people certain things about myself and here I am spilling EVERYTHING! I mean stuff that I have never told a soul. Hell, stuff I have never said to myself. It just all comes out. I honestly don't get it. I don't know if since I opened the floodgates with the honesty nothing is now taboo. That doesn't seem like me. I have shared crap in the past with people but usually I talk about it in a form similar to this one. Write about it. Dump all the crap. Never talk about it in real life. That is how I share. Never really let the cracks show. Now I'm like a raging river that can't be stopped. I seriously feel sorry for my friend. Who really wants to know all this crap? I can't believe I've opened up like this. I'm not sure if it's freeing or just me cracking under the stress and losing my damn mind. I'm hoping for freeing but a little worried about the damn mind. It is just so bizarre. This whole situation is playing games with my personality. I just don't get it.

Rambling About Love

It has been a bit since I have just rambled on here. I think tonight is a great time for it. I want to ramble about love. It is what seems to be on my mind most of the time. What is love? What is romantic love? What is platonic love? What is family love? What is friend love? Love is something we are all searching for. Love is something that almost everyone desires. Love is what makes us crazy. Love is what makes us want to get up in the morning. Love is that driving force that makes life worth living. Love love love. I don't always think I understand love. I have been in love. I am in love. I still don't understand it. If you go back ages in my life and revisit my love for my Dawson you can see how things can get so confusing for me. I loved my Dawson. I wanted to spend my life with someone who I considered my soul mate. Dawson didn't wait for me to be ready to commit. I still love this person. I will always love this person. Is that the love you wait forever for? First love? Soul mate? If you know in you heart what is right then why didn't this work out? Let's look at another love my little Sappho. That was an epic love for me. It was all consuming. I would have walked through fire to make that work out. It was the real deal for me. What the poets have written about through the ages. It didn't work out. The timing was bad. We were in different places in our lives. Then time turned on me and everything was ruined. Once again if you know in your heart what is right why didn't this work out? Here I am again in love. It is calming and gentle. It is tender and sweet. It is everything that I could want but there are road bumps. I think I miss the fire that came with my little Sappho. I think I desire the innocence that came with my Dawson. I don't know if the poets would right about us. I desire that love. I think we all want that love. I think that I sell my love short now. I think that I'm terrified to have that love. I fall in love with someone who makes me happy but I'm not sure I have given everything in return. I also look to people who would never want me and swoon over them because I know they would never return my love. That sucks. For me. My love. My loves love. The object of my wandering eyes love. I know what love is to me. I don't always do what is best for my love. I don't always understand the things I do in the name of love. I just know that I want it.

perspective

Sometimes we all need to take a break and put things in perspective. I was reading my friends blog just a few minutes ago and realized that I really just need to let some things go. Give it to God. Relax and trust that things will work out like they are supposed to. I put too much of everything upon myself and that isn't what I should do. I have amazing friends that are going through and have gone through so much more than I have. I whine and lament and I shouldn't. I should stop and realize how blessed I am. I have friends and family who love me. I have my health. I have the day ahead of me. I have love. I am lucky in so many ways. I don't always see what is staring at me, but today I'm trying. Things aren't as bad as they seem. Life will work itself out. I will figure out what is going on in my head. Most of what I stress about doesn't really matter in the long run. I have to focus on that and be happy with what I have. Right now. This moment.

Focus

So my confusion continues. I really wish that I had my head clear and understood what was really going on with me. I don't really know why Risk and I always seem to come back to Lilac. It confuses the crap out of me. If I say I have conflicted feelings for Lilac why frequently tell me to go after Lilac? I'm with Risk. That is what I want. Yes, I am a little perplexed by my feelings for Lilac, but I have no intention of going after Lilac. In truth, I would be a horrible match for Lilac. I'm aware of that. I don't get why Risk doesn't see it. I am just friends with Lilac. That is all. I don't really need any innuendos to add to my confusion. It just messes with my head. I want to focus on figuring out Risk and me. That is what I need to do. Nothing else matters in this relationship. I need to focus on one person at a time. Risk is that person not Lilac. I need to focus.

Goodbye Board

I guess I should explain somewhere the reason why I left the board. I think this is as good a place as any. Here goes: I think most people know I've been under a little stress lately. My emotions are a little out of control. I need a little less stress in my life. The board has become major stress. The leadership doesn't like me. I've been told that for the last several months the leadership has been speaking poorly of me to anyone who would listen. The reasoning was never brought to me. I can speculate why I'm on the outs with this person but nothing was ever brought to me. This underlying emotion started to hurt me. Then we got to Little Shop and things just seemed to fall apart. Two comments to someone and a not that terrible of an email led to a full cast fifteen minute lecture that was designed to put me in my place. This conflict with the one person wasn't something that the whole cast had to be informed of. This issue wasn't anything that had to do with the leadership to begin with. It was made personal. It was made hurtful. Things just got worse through the show. We then fast forward a week and get to the meeting. This issue is between me and one other person really. It wasn't an agenda item in my opinion. I wasn't going to talk about my feelings in front of everyone. I couldn't tell everyone how much my feelings have been hurt in the last several months by the leadership. I couldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I just ran away. I don't want them see how truly hurtful it is when everyone seems to turn against you because one person has decided they don't like you. I'm the person that folks are whispering about and how they don't want to end up like me. The only way to deal with the leadership is to cower in fear because if you impost the wrath you are finished. Leadership by fear. Leadership by pain. Leadership by intimidation. I can't do that anymore.

Hmmmm

I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure out what is going on with me. It all makes so much sense to me at the moment. I've felt terrible for so long and I just didn't understand why. Stupid Shanna. I compromised my morals and it is killing me on the inside. I've always stayed true to my morals in the past and all of a sudden I turned my back on them. Everything is so difficult now. I used to stand for something even if it was only to myself. I don't have that anymore. I don't know what I am anymore. I know I'm sad. I know I am disappointed in myself. I know that I have been this self destructive in a ages. I know I'm weak. These are the things I'm aware. Unfortunately they don't help me find myself again. I'm a hypocrite now. I'm a liar. I'm so many things that I detest. I detest myself now. This is oh so overwhelming. When I entered the situation I thought I could handle things. I guess I was very wrong. I have to figure out a way to find my way back to myself. I should have realized at the beginning that this wasn't me. I'm not this person. But I guess now I am. I'm exactly what I was told I was. I guess I really don't have any morals.

Naming the Players

I think it's time a I name the players involved in my blogs. Not real names just a name so that things don't get confusing. I don't like writing about people and being specific. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I like to protect folks as much as possible when they appear here. So I'm going to name a couple characters right now and give a brief description about how they fit into my life. First person is Risk. Risk is just that a huge risk in my life. Risk managed to capture my heart and has helped me learn to let go. I love Risk. Unfortunately, like all risks, I'm not sure the gamble is the best thing for me. Risk makes me feel wonderful one minute and terrible the next. It really isn't anything that Risk does it is just the situation we have found ourselves in. Second player I'm going to call Lilac. Strange choice of names, I know, but strangely fitting. Think about spring and when the lilacs are in bloom. Think about that feeling when you close your eyes and you can smell the lilacs in the breeze. The feeling that spring is here and that everything is possible again. The lilacs fill your soul with this sense of hope. Yes, it is a fleeting feeling but it is one that is so powerful. It is one you can look forward to. That is the kind of person Lilac is. When I find myself in the presence of Lilac there is hope. There is this unexplainable smile that comes into my life. It isn't something that I could hope to have forever but it is something that I can look forward to and enjoy in that moment. Lilac brings a certain peace to my heart. These are the two principle players in my life at the moment. I've screwed up lately and hurt both Risk and Lilac. I can't really change the past so I'm pushing ahead. Risk doesn't want to talk about things. It hurts to not really know what is going on in someone you loves head. I don't know what to do about that. Lilac and I are working things out. We are willing to talk about things. Thank goodness for that. I don't always understand my feelings for Lilac but at least things are out in the open now. I know that things will always be different for us but at least there is an us to talk about. No, not an us in a romantic way, but an us in a friendship way. That is all I ever really wanted. I wanted us to all be friends. Hopefully we have that again.

Not So Happy

The last time I posted I was happy now I'm not so happy. I think that everything a giant mess at the moment. Last night I hurt someone that I care about very much. I didn't mean to put her through this, but the fact is I did. My decisions led to her pain. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can ever really be forgiven. I don't think I deserve to be forgiven but I hope so very much that I am. This black cloud is over everything at the moment. I think that maybe my feelings of guilt and shame are what's leading me to being sick. I've been on and off sick for the last month and a half. I can't eat anymore. Everytime I do eat I just get sick. My body is so tired and I can't focus on simple things. I came clean and I thought maybe it would help, but I now just want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm so miserable. I hate myself for bringing hurt into her eyes. I'm a terrible person right now. I can't wrap my head around this. I don't know if there are enough I'm sorry's in the world to make this better. I have no idea what to do now. THis sucks soooo much.