Super

I honestly don't know how do deal with being afraid. I don't do scared for myself. I am struggling to stay above water at the moment. My family biggest bad word is cancer and now I may have it. It seems to be a death sentence for my family. It is a death sentence on both sides of the family. Just the mention of the word sends shivers down my spine. So when I went to the doctor last week and he said that this stupid spot on my finger could be cancer imagine my panic. I am trying to stay calm about it. I'm trying to cling to the might in this. I'm trying to not breakdown. Unfortunately, I'm not doing a very good job at it. I'm in a total panic. Last night I had a half hour breakdown in front of the refrigerator in my kitchen. Just couldn't stop crying. Each day that I have to wait to find out what is really going on is like an eternity of doubt and fear that I have to wade through. Then yesterday at church the pastor used specifically finding out that you melanoma and have 6 weeks to live in the sermon. Nothing like having the ultimate fear of this whole situation vocalized. I'm lucky that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then. I'm not a scene maker so I fought back every emotion that was threatening to overtake me. What a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I'm fixated on it. I can't think of anything else. Spending as much time alone as I do doesn't help either. I just sit and imagine the worst. And since the thing is on my finger all I do is look at it all day long. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown before. I guess the plan for the next week or so is drink. Make jokes about the situation. Pretend that I'm not absolutely petrified about all of this. My rational mind is telling me that this is all very early and that it will all be okay, but my irrational mind has more control at the moment. I hate not having any control.