I'm Not Crazy!!!

Guess who got a you're not crazy from the therapist today?!? I have to say that I'm pretty happy to be told that I'm not crazy. It brings a huge smile to my face! I'm the happiest I've been in ages. I think that going crazy let me release huge amounts of stuff that had been building for years. I'm taking crazy as a positive. I have let go of large amounts of guilt. I have become open with who I am. I know who is really a friend to me and who isn't. I got those things out of this experience. I also got the most important thing ever out of this experience, I got my faith in God! Yes, I have found my faith finally. I let God into my heart. I let Jesus into my heart. I have to say it feels good. I had to let go of my guilt before I could have a real relationship with God. If you believe that Jesus died for your sins then you can't hold him a distance to keep him away from your sin. God stepped in and saved my life. I know that with every fiber of my being. God had my niece call me at the exact moment that kept me from doing something drastic. God allowed me to have a friend that I loved enough to keep me safe. God works in funny ways. I think I have been hard headed for ages when it came to faith. I needed a scary God so that I could keep my guilt. Goodbye guilt! I have found my faith. I always knew that I needed a relationship with God to make me whole but I resisted it. Everything is so different now. I feel like a complete person. It really is a wonderful feeling:)

It's Not A Slight

Let me explain something here, just because I am enjoying the ACL group doesn't mean that I think poorly of any of my other friends. I find it frustrating that people would feel slighted in any way when I say that it is easy to go to ACL because I'm open there. I know that everyone has entered a new situation before with the chance to present yourself in a way that you would actually be seen. It is like that for me in this situation. If I go into the show as the gay chick then it is just the way it is. I don't have to have conversations about it. I don't have to worry about people I've known for seven years all of a sudden being concerned that I'm checking them out constantly. Trust me, this happens. It's frustrating. It doesn't mean that I think my friends are not supportive. It doesn't mean that I don't value them in any way what so ever. It just means that I don't have to have as many conversations about a topic that really shouldn't be an issue. I don't know if most people can understand that fact? Sometimes, and I know you will find this shocking, I get tired of talking about things. Yes, I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. I have nothing to lose at ACL. I have nothing to explain. It is just the way it is there. It can't be that way with the groups of friends I have other places. I have ties that will be lost one day just because of who I am. It is scary at times. It is saddening at times. I love all of my friends very much and don't want to hurt them. I just need them to understand that sometimes it isn't about them. They treat me wonderfully and are very supportive. I still had to have a conversation with most of them that could have went very poorly. I just enjoy skipping the conversation from time to time.

I Love Me Some ACL Nights

The thing that I love about A Chorus Line is that I think I can be myself there. I'm a little goofy. I'm a little demanding. I'm a little gay. I was having a lovely conversation about chicks last night with one of the girls and it was so comfortable. I miss that feeling. I've pushed it down for some time. I've dated one girl since my love died and it was a disaster. I've avoided since then. I've only really dated one other person in two and a half years and it was a guy. Yes, I loved him very much and still do, but my heart didn't skip a beat when he walked into a room. I could deal with that mainly by finding extremely straight girls to swoon over. One in general recently. It was a safe crush that I could channel the crazy passion into. I'm a passionate person. I want to be romantic and grand. I also want physical. I like to kiss and touch and be held. Those things make me happy. I really would like to have them in one person. I really want a girl. Let's face facts here. I'm pretty damn gay. I like to pretend straight. I like to make out with guys. I'm pretty successful at that. It's easy. I suck at girls. I get nervous. I get awkward. I get the butterflies. They are so much more exciting. I play the bi card to much. It's not really true. I just don't like the idea of hell and like to live in denial. Well, screw that. I don't think that being gay is a one way ticket to hell. I'm happier when I'm openly gay. I love chatting about hot girls with my friends. I love not playing a role. I love my A Chorus Line family because it isn't an issue. For the record just know that no matter how I play things off I'm gay. Remember that and the fact that I don't want to sleep with my straight girl friends. Straight girls are bad for the soul:)

A Blah Day

Here is a post crazy truth: I'm afraid of my emotions. If I'm having any emotion other than happy happy joy joy I'm terrified. I guess I'm not entirely sure how to take myself yet. Everything about the situation that happened was terrifying. I don't ever want to be anywhere near that again. I'm not having any type of unpleasant thought but I'm not jumping for joy at the moment and it makes me worry about the what if factor. Irrational fear at it's best. I suppose that this is to be expected. I mean my emotions and mind turned against me. I would be in denial if I one hundred percent trusted them yet. It's just scary. I don't like being scared. I don't want to be scared. Blah days shouldn't be a terror. I'm not crazy or dangerous I'm just nervous. I would prefer all happy feelings...

Therapy Not Bad

I went to the therapist yesterday and was told that things are looking up! Yes, I really did have a horrible reaction to my medications. It was some of the most exciting news ever!!!! The drugs might have almost killed me but I'm not looney! Thank God for that. What an unbelievably crazy trip this has all been. Thing is, I'm not sorry this all happened. All of this has put so much in perspective for me. God works in mysterious ways. I have taken so much for granted in life. Also I have blamed myself for too much of the crap of my past. Guess what? I'm not responsible for everything. I'm just not. I have to stop the apologizing for stuff that I'm not at fault for. I am going to let go of some of this senseless guilt. Yes, I can see clearly for maybe the first time ever. Things will be alright. God is good. All the time.

Let's Review

Here I am starting another day and I feel damn normal here! After months and months of not feeling normal I am here and enjoying it so much. Normal! Lets take a quick inventory of the last several months and the crazy things that have come about. Hell, if you look at them, crazy isn't all that shocking! Ha! First, I did something that I fundamentally didn't believe in. I'm a guilt person who beats themselves up for stuff that they feel is wrong. I got sick. Instantly sick after doing this. I mean I was so physically ill the next day that I didn't go to work. I had to beat myself. A couple weeks later I spilled the beans. That lead to the guilt and me still being sick. I start losing weight because I can't keep the food in. I go to the doctor. He says I think your depressed. He gives me drugs. I decide I don't want to take them. Then I get the strange spot. I go back to the doctor and he tells me I have cancer. What?!? That leads to crazy amounts of stress because that is a death sentence in my family. I decide that I'm not going to stress my family out until I know for sure but this starts the run around of bob. November ends and in the first part of December I tell my family because they needed to know since I thought I was having my finger cut on. My sister freaks out and screams and yells at me how selfish I am and I have a raging panic attack. That was so scary that I decided to start the medicine. That lead to me not being able to sleep for the rest of December. It also made me sick so I continued losing the weight. Next is January when I realized I couldn't afford the medication so I just stopped taking it. Guess what? There are withdrawal effects to the medication. I didn't know that. I am having a somewhat difficult time in my relationships and that didn't help. I go out drink too much and make hell night happen. I wish I could say I knew what happened but I don't. That was a bad enough time that I decided I needed to go to therapy. First session the lady says that I should try medication. Ok, why not? First medication I'm instantly sick. I get put on another. This one is pretty close to the same but I just want to try. This one makes me not only sick but puts a crazy second voice in my head that is a lot nuts. That one proved to almost be the end of me. Fuck all of this shit. I am done with medication. I am done with thinking that drugs can fix the things in my past. I don't honestly believe that drugs can make me feel less responsibility and guilt for my actions. Shit that is who I am as a person. It might get me into a little trouble from time to time but it is not me wanting to do these things. I really don't have anything to be that upset about at the moment. I am healthy. I have great friends. I have people who love me. I have family. Fuck medication! I'll just take the therapy but let me tell you this next session will be different. I'm pretty pissed off at these people. I'm going nuts and it takes HOURS for them to get back to me. Nice. I'm glad it was early in the day because had it been later I might have gone something that I would have regretted.

Six O'Clock And All Is Well

Here is a six o'clock update from me. I feel really good. For the first time in a long time I feel like myself. Yes, I'm sure I will still rock that emotional moment that I'm worried about but I feel normal for me. It is probably the first time that has happened since mid October. It has been a long time since I have felt at all normal. I'm going to enjoy this moment and hope that it stays with me. I'm not foolish enough to think that everything is super fine now, but I can handle me being with me if I feel like me. Does that make any sense? This has been one wacky nutty painful scary upsetting trip but maybe just maybe things are looking up.

After One and OK

Well, I made it through the night and skipped the meds this morning. On a positive note I don't feel like there are wacky thoughts running around in my head at the moment. That is a improvement because by this time usually my mind is off and running to crazy land. Here is the not so positive note, coming off a antidepressant is depressing. It does make you rather sad. This might prove to being a large weeping day for me, but it doesn't have that sense of doom over it. I'm not really sure what to expect these next couple of days, but I know that they can not be as bad as the previous few. Good things and not as good things but still I feel like there is an improvement today. Once again I just have to take it one moment at a time and be strong.

Getting Off of Them

Today's assessment is this. I'm in crisis. There isn't another way to put it. It is my fault for letting it get to this point. When I started therapy they thought I would benefit from medication. I had tried it before and if they thought that it was what I needed then I was going to go along with it. The first medication led to me being sick from the get go. They took me off of it very quickly. At the next appointment they put me on something else but said that the next step was the shut up and go home drugs. I don't want those. I started the new drug and pretty much right off the bat things didn't go right. First I was so sick that I ended up at the hospital because I was puking blood. Not tons but blood seems bad. Second thing that happened was I had a suicidal thought. It was like my head went blah blah blah and then I kill myself what should I have for dinner. I was like wait what? Let's backtrack to that thought because that was new. It kind of worried me but I wanted to give the medication a chance. Things just started to get worse in my head. Each day I think darker and darker thoughts. These are things I have never thought about. I'm not a suicidal person. I want to say that right here. I am not. It is not who I am. I may sometimes cut but that is far from trying to off myself. Now once upon a time I had a similar crazy moment, but it wasn't this type of crazy thought. It was twenty minutes of irrational thinking that I thought at the time was logical. Let me also say right here that the things that are in my head to do are not logical to me. I don't do permanent things to myself. I should have went to the crazy doctors and said get me off of this shit but I was afraid of the other medication that they might put me on. Here's a news flash to myself. I don't have to take the medication. No one is forcing me to do this. She can suggest till the cows come home but if I don't want to take medication that won't let me think then I don't have to. I should have realized that sooner. Now I am so far into this medication that it has made me a danger to myself. I am worried about my safety. I'm getting off of the crap. Unfortunately I will have to deal with the symptoms for a little longer but if this really is something that is effecting my sanity then getting away from it should help me. So tonight I go stay with some friends to keep me safe. Tomorrow hopefully is better and maybe by Sunday I will have some idea if this is really some of my problem. Obviously it isn't the source of all my problems but maybe it is the source of the downward spiral that I have been rocking.

Alone Time

Here I am sitting in front of my computer again. This seems to be becoming a habit. I'm rocking the alone time here again. Once again I'm not entirely sure I should be hanging out on my own. Luckily it isn't for as long as it was last night. My car got fixed today so I could go to rehearsal. That was the magical three hour break in my woeful existence. It is hard to be worried or upset when you are trying to remember wacky lyrics and crazy dances. Three hours of "tip the hat tip the hat tip the hat tip the hat" were a wonderful distraction. Unfortunately the car drive over sucked ass as did the car ride back. Too much alone time. I really just need distracting conversations about nothing on those drives. I just need to listen to a calming voice that gives me hope that everything will be alright. That really does get to become a lot to ask of your friends. I'm not sure where my head is at the moment, but I know that things are just a little easier when I hear their voices. Am I being extremely selfish using them as a crutch? It is a hard question to answer. The crazy doctor told me to not talk to them about my woes. That I should turn to her or other crazy doctors. I don't think I can do that and I told her that. She point blank asked me if I would call them if I was in a dark place and I told her no. I have a really hard time talking to strangers about anything. Why would I turn to someone who doesn't give a damn about me? She seems to think I am willing to do this. She's wrong there. I guess what she is doing is isolating me more. I will tell everyone that I am fine. That is what she wants and I can do that but I can't talk to strangers. Hell, I have a very difficult time speaking to her. I guess I have to figure this out alone which sucks because I'm terrified of myself when I'm alone. What do you do, right?

Being Alone

I made it through the night. I have to say that is was really hard being alone for that long. I wish I could say that it was extremely successful. I was good for about two hours. Then I started to crack. I just started to think and then I couldn't stop. I tried to put a movie in to distract me but it wouldn't play. That was the end of my grip I think. It just left me sitting on the arm of my couch for an hour trying to figure out what to do. How enjoyable is that? I really wanted to call my friend and get her to talk me away from the edge but I didn't. I want to keep her from worrying about me and I can't do that if I call her all the time freaking out. So I just sat there and spiralled. I realized that I don't trust myself at all alone. That was not a realization to come to. I'm not sure that the crazy doctor should have trusted me alone. I had lots of bad thoughts. I didn't act on anything which I guess is a good thing but they were still there. I was scared. I was alone. I didn't send out the help me text. I didn't call anyone and say help me. I just struggled. Then I started insanely dancing. I just kept doing the opening number of ACL over and over again until I was too exhausted to think. I finally heard from people then. It was a distraction and I needed that. I don't know how to lean on people and not worry them and protect them but get some sort of help. It was a very hard long night.

Baby Steps

I'm thinking I did better today at work. I was very busy and I didn't sit and obsess over things. Baby steps here but I'll take them. I didn't feel overwhelmed. I didn't feel stressed out. I just rolled with the day. I think I should get a good for that considering my car decided to take a crap last night. That was fun. I got stranded in a little town on my way home from rehearsal. In a bar parking lot. How funny is that? I went and had a drink. It seemed like the thing to do at that moment. I was impressed with the size of my drink there! Got to love the townie bar. Huge drinks and reasonable prices. I sat and waited and didn't stress. I got up this morning and didn't have a way to work which could have stressed me out but didn't. I just called and asked for the pick up rescue. I found out that the water pump died. That probably isn't cheap. That dying also killed the belt that runs everything. Who knew there was only one belt? I found out about that at work and didn't stress. See, I made some progress today. Unfortunately I can't go to rehearsal tonight which will end up stressing me out tomorrow because I will once again be behind. Oh well, I'm going to deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Tonight will be an experiment in me being alone with myself. I've avoided that since my meltdown. The cat and I will be spending some quality time together tonight. I guess I was looking for an opportunity to clean so I might as well try to take advantage of it. Fingers crossed here. I have to keep away from that cookie!!

I'm Not Locked Up!

So I'm not locked up!!! Thank goodness!! I managed to go to my therapy session and tell the truth and not end up in the crazy hospital. It is a HUGE relief to me. I'm not saying that the thought didn't cross her mind. I know it did. I guess she is willing to take a chance on believing me when I say I won't break my promise. She asked if I truly believed that I would keep my word and I told her I did with every fiber of my being. That is the honest truth and she saw that it was. Now comes the really hard part of staying strong and keeping my word. I can do this. I'm going to try to make therapy work for me. What good does it do me if I'm afraid to tell the truth when I'm in there? I think my therapist is scared for me. She wanted to see me in a couple of days. That seemed a little soon to me. Instead I have to go back at the beginning of next week. I think if I try this all can help me. We are going to work on me believing that I deserve to be happy. We are going to work on me believing that I am worth caring about. I think we are going to work on the fact that I don't care enough about myself to fight for myself. These are things we are going to work on. She thinks I need to spend a little more time taking care of myself and a little less time trying to take care of everyone else. It is easier for me to take on the role of protector for everyone in my life than to take care of myself. I can't argue with her on that point. I need to be strong for someone. I really don't care about being strong for me. That might be where my problem lies. I just don't care enough about myself. I don't think I'm worthy of or deserve any kind of happiness. That is something I guess we are going to address. She told me it was going to be really hard for awhile. She said we would just have to work through things. It sounds like a lot of things that I don't want to deal with are going to be brought up. I might have to start soliciting the prayers but at least I'm not in the hospital.

I Hope They See

I'm scared. Less than an hour and a half until I have to come clean. I know it sounds bad. I know I'm in trouble. I promised and that is what is important to me. I've written "you promised" on my hand since I made the promise. Every time I look down at work I see it. I can't lose sight of my promise. Hopefully the crazy doc understands that. I just can't lose sight of my promise. My word is very important to me. I promised one of the most important people in my life. I would never compromise my word in this situation. Hopefully I can make them understand that. Hopefully they can understand that breaking my promise to this person just isn't an option to me. It doesn't matter how hard things get I just can't break this promise. I don't want to get sent someplace. I don't want them to look at me and see someone that just can't be helped in a normal fashion. I'm just worried that no matter what I say I won't get them to see. I won't get them to see that I'm not that far gone. I won't get them to see that I can be strong. I won't get them to see that my word is my life. I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully all of my fear is just wasted here.

Am I Crazy?

And now reality has set in. I messed up big time the other day. Really really messed up. That 30 seconds from landing myself in the hospital could still do just that. I have an appointment with the crazy doctor tomorrow and when she finds out what happened I could get sent to the crazy hospital. I'm pretty sure they can make you go if they believe you are a danger to yourself. I'm not dangerous now, but I was the other day. What if she wants to lock me up to make sure I'm ok? I don't know what to do with that. That is a terrifying thought to me. I've always been worried about my losing touch with reality. Crazy is one of my biggest fears. I joke about it because I have always been so terrified of it. Now look at me, I'm staring crazy in the face and losing. There isn't anything in the world more terrifying to me than losing my mind. Have I lost it? I don't think I have. Have I lost touch with reality so much that I can't see what is staring me in the face? I don't know what I to do. I say I hit bottom the other day. It is the truest statement I can make about what happened. I was there. I looked it in the eye and God stepped in and gave me an out. My niece called randomly and said she loved me and it shook something in me just enough to call out for help. I'm not happy that this happened. I wish I didn't push things to extremes. I don't have any real coping skills, but does that mean I need to be hospitalized? Does me being sad and destructive for a few hours mean that I'm a complete danger to myself? I don't know how to answer these things. I can't sugar coat what happened. I have to tell the whole truth to someone. This lady is supposed to help me get better but what if her way is a hospital? I can't do that. I can't be really crazy. My mind isn't flowing the best at the moment but it is still flowing. I can function. I can get up and go to work. I can go to rehearsal. I can have conversations. I can be what everyone expects. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions. I didn't think about telling anyone but my closest friends. Now I have to look at a professional and tell her that I crossed a line. That I was at the bottom. That I was a danger to myself. Shit, I am royally screwed.

The Cookie

I made a promise. I will keep my promise. It is going to be hard. Give up the addiction cold turkey. I can do it. It is all I'm thinking about at the moment. That is odd because it usually doesn't consume my thoughts. I'm thinking it's like giving up chocolate chip cookies. If I decide one day that I'm not going to have chocolate chip cookies anymore I will sit and think about them. I will obsess about them. They start to consume my time. I just want a cookie. I don't need the cookie. I know that the cookie will go straight to my hips. I know that I'll hate myself if I have the cookie. But still, I want the cookie. I think I'm going to be craving the cookie for awhile. I think me giving up the cookie is going to be extremely difficult. I made a promise to someone that I would never ever consider betraying. I just need to constantly be reminded to stay away from the cookie.