Getting Off of Them

Today's assessment is this. I'm in crisis. There isn't another way to put it. It is my fault for letting it get to this point. When I started therapy they thought I would benefit from medication. I had tried it before and if they thought that it was what I needed then I was going to go along with it. The first medication led to me being sick from the get go. They took me off of it very quickly. At the next appointment they put me on something else but said that the next step was the shut up and go home drugs. I don't want those. I started the new drug and pretty much right off the bat things didn't go right. First I was so sick that I ended up at the hospital because I was puking blood. Not tons but blood seems bad. Second thing that happened was I had a suicidal thought. It was like my head went blah blah blah and then I kill myself what should I have for dinner. I was like wait what? Let's backtrack to that thought because that was new. It kind of worried me but I wanted to give the medication a chance. Things just started to get worse in my head. Each day I think darker and darker thoughts. These are things I have never thought about. I'm not a suicidal person. I want to say that right here. I am not. It is not who I am. I may sometimes cut but that is far from trying to off myself. Now once upon a time I had a similar crazy moment, but it wasn't this type of crazy thought. It was twenty minutes of irrational thinking that I thought at the time was logical. Let me also say right here that the things that are in my head to do are not logical to me. I don't do permanent things to myself. I should have went to the crazy doctors and said get me off of this shit but I was afraid of the other medication that they might put me on. Here's a news flash to myself. I don't have to take the medication. No one is forcing me to do this. She can suggest till the cows come home but if I don't want to take medication that won't let me think then I don't have to. I should have realized that sooner. Now I am so far into this medication that it has made me a danger to myself. I am worried about my safety. I'm getting off of the crap. Unfortunately I will have to deal with the symptoms for a little longer but if this really is something that is effecting my sanity then getting away from it should help me. So tonight I go stay with some friends to keep me safe. Tomorrow hopefully is better and maybe by Sunday I will have some idea if this is really some of my problem. Obviously it isn't the source of all my problems but maybe it is the source of the downward spiral that I have been rocking.