Am I Crazy?

And now reality has set in. I messed up big time the other day. Really really messed up. That 30 seconds from landing myself in the hospital could still do just that. I have an appointment with the crazy doctor tomorrow and when she finds out what happened I could get sent to the crazy hospital. I'm pretty sure they can make you go if they believe you are a danger to yourself. I'm not dangerous now, but I was the other day. What if she wants to lock me up to make sure I'm ok? I don't know what to do with that. That is a terrifying thought to me. I've always been worried about my losing touch with reality. Crazy is one of my biggest fears. I joke about it because I have always been so terrified of it. Now look at me, I'm staring crazy in the face and losing. There isn't anything in the world more terrifying to me than losing my mind. Have I lost it? I don't think I have. Have I lost touch with reality so much that I can't see what is staring me in the face? I don't know what I to do. I say I hit bottom the other day. It is the truest statement I can make about what happened. I was there. I looked it in the eye and God stepped in and gave me an out. My niece called randomly and said she loved me and it shook something in me just enough to call out for help. I'm not happy that this happened. I wish I didn't push things to extremes. I don't have any real coping skills, but does that mean I need to be hospitalized? Does me being sad and destructive for a few hours mean that I'm a complete danger to myself? I don't know how to answer these things. I can't sugar coat what happened. I have to tell the whole truth to someone. This lady is supposed to help me get better but what if her way is a hospital? I can't do that. I can't be really crazy. My mind isn't flowing the best at the moment but it is still flowing. I can function. I can get up and go to work. I can go to rehearsal. I can have conversations. I can be what everyone expects. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions. I didn't think about telling anyone but my closest friends. Now I have to look at a professional and tell her that I crossed a line. That I was at the bottom. That I was a danger to myself. Shit, I am royally screwed.