Being Alone

I made it through the night. I have to say that is was really hard being alone for that long. I wish I could say that it was extremely successful. I was good for about two hours. Then I started to crack. I just started to think and then I couldn't stop. I tried to put a movie in to distract me but it wouldn't play. That was the end of my grip I think. It just left me sitting on the arm of my couch for an hour trying to figure out what to do. How enjoyable is that? I really wanted to call my friend and get her to talk me away from the edge but I didn't. I want to keep her from worrying about me and I can't do that if I call her all the time freaking out. So I just sat there and spiralled. I realized that I don't trust myself at all alone. That was not a realization to come to. I'm not sure that the crazy doctor should have trusted me alone. I had lots of bad thoughts. I didn't act on anything which I guess is a good thing but they were still there. I was scared. I was alone. I didn't send out the help me text. I didn't call anyone and say help me. I just struggled. Then I started insanely dancing. I just kept doing the opening number of ACL over and over again until I was too exhausted to think. I finally heard from people then. It was a distraction and I needed that. I don't know how to lean on people and not worry them and protect them but get some sort of help. It was a very hard long night.