Let's Review

Here I am starting another day and I feel damn normal here! After months and months of not feeling normal I am here and enjoying it so much. Normal! Lets take a quick inventory of the last several months and the crazy things that have come about. Hell, if you look at them, crazy isn't all that shocking! Ha! First, I did something that I fundamentally didn't believe in. I'm a guilt person who beats themselves up for stuff that they feel is wrong. I got sick. Instantly sick after doing this. I mean I was so physically ill the next day that I didn't go to work. I had to beat myself. A couple weeks later I spilled the beans. That lead to the guilt and me still being sick. I start losing weight because I can't keep the food in. I go to the doctor. He says I think your depressed. He gives me drugs. I decide I don't want to take them. Then I get the strange spot. I go back to the doctor and he tells me I have cancer. What?!? That leads to crazy amounts of stress because that is a death sentence in my family. I decide that I'm not going to stress my family out until I know for sure but this starts the run around of bob. November ends and in the first part of December I tell my family because they needed to know since I thought I was having my finger cut on. My sister freaks out and screams and yells at me how selfish I am and I have a raging panic attack. That was so scary that I decided to start the medicine. That lead to me not being able to sleep for the rest of December. It also made me sick so I continued losing the weight. Next is January when I realized I couldn't afford the medication so I just stopped taking it. Guess what? There are withdrawal effects to the medication. I didn't know that. I am having a somewhat difficult time in my relationships and that didn't help. I go out drink too much and make hell night happen. I wish I could say I knew what happened but I don't. That was a bad enough time that I decided I needed to go to therapy. First session the lady says that I should try medication. Ok, why not? First medication I'm instantly sick. I get put on another. This one is pretty close to the same but I just want to try. This one makes me not only sick but puts a crazy second voice in my head that is a lot nuts. That one proved to almost be the end of me. Fuck all of this shit. I am done with medication. I am done with thinking that drugs can fix the things in my past. I don't honestly believe that drugs can make me feel less responsibility and guilt for my actions. Shit that is who I am as a person. It might get me into a little trouble from time to time but it is not me wanting to do these things. I really don't have anything to be that upset about at the moment. I am healthy. I have great friends. I have people who love me. I have family. Fuck medication! I'll just take the therapy but let me tell you this next session will be different. I'm pretty pissed off at these people. I'm going nuts and it takes HOURS for them to get back to me. Nice. I'm glad it was early in the day because had it been later I might have gone something that I would have regretted.