Laughing At Myself

Here's me laughing at myself for a moment. The other day I was freaking out about relationship stuff and where I fit in with my friends. It seemed like it was the huge deal that was grating my temper more than it should have been. I threw it into the molehill category that I have as of late. Yesterday I proceeded to freak out about stuff that really wasn't that important. Then I had a mini pity party for myself and almost missed out on a really good night with my friends. Here's the laughing at myself part. I got home and started the dreaded period. Well hell! My wacky moods make so much more sense to me. It was one of those oh yeah it is that time of the month moments. It totally cracks me up! I guess I lost track of things and then evil bitch Shanna came out and I didn't realize that there might me a reason. Hahahaha. I can go from 0 to bitch in a heartbeat for about 2 days a month and it was the last 2. At least I will be giddy to ring in the new year. I'm always in a fantastic mood the first couple of days. Fun times.

Less of a Pork Chop

Here is something else to be positive about. I have lost some serious weight! I was such a pork chop for a good long while. I'm not a tall person and to be honest I was pushing the 150 mark. That was the biggest I had ever been. I felt like crap. Every picture I saw of myself I thought fat ass. I'm not saying that people looked at me on the street and thought that I was huge. I mean I was a size 8. That isn't huge by any stretch of the imagination. I just felt huge. There was a lot more jiggle in my belly than I would like. So I haven't felt the best the last couple of months. First I was sick. Then I had large amounts of stress to deal with. After that the Bob saga began. Needless to say this has all affected my eating habits. I'm not going to lie and say this has been in any way healthy but here I am after the holiday eating season sitting under 130. I can put on a size 4 pant. That is so exciting. I'm not looking in the mirror and thinking fat. Hell, I'm almost at my all time weight goal. I've always wanted to be at 120. I think that is a good weight for my height. I think that goal is actually in sight. When I start the dancing for A Chorus Line I can only imagine dropping some weight. How awesome is that?!? I really do feel better lighter. I feel less blah. So maybe I have cancer. Whatever, at least I'll look good when they treat me for it. I'm going with this is a positive of the situation:)

Something More Positive

I think I have written too many Debbie downer blogs in a row and need to write something that doesn't make my life sound like crap. I got a great part in A Chorus Line! I am Diana!! I am soooo excited to get the chance to sing What I Did For Love. What a wonderful song. I'm a little shocked that I got the part. I was the only person who looked latina that auditioned but still. I'm not the strongest dancer in the world and Diana does make the chorus line. I thought I had a better chance at Maggie mainly because she doesn't make the line. I know that there are way stronger dancers in the cast than me and I'm shocked to get a great part in a dance show. I am going to have to work my ass off for the next three and a half months to get to where the other girls are. I have no formal dance training and these girls were dancing circles around me. Thank goodness I'm darker and I can sing. I can't wait to get started! This is a dream show for me. I can't believe that I get the chance to see this dream come true!

Molehills turned into mountains

I really need to stop getting so worked up about things. I'm just so stressed out and it makes me so emotional. My feelings are wounded so easily. Stuff that would have only slightly pissed my off before are now making me a weeping mess. I have some friends and two of them are much closer to me than the third one. It really bothers me that those three do things together and NEVER invite me. They do things as a "family" and I'm not in that particular family I guess. I do feel that two of them are family but I must be the half sister that they don't really want around large chucks of the time. I'm sure I'm making something out of nothing but it still bothers me. Why can't I ever get included? Is their that much animosity toward me that I just don't see? I try. I try really hard. Maybe that is the problem. I try so hard that I drive folks away. I am very intense at times. I do push a lot. I can over nurture situations. Man I would hate me as a parent! I just want to be invited. I just want to be included. Is that so much to ask. Hell, I'm in a relationship with one of the people and I still don't get invited. It kind of makes me feel like Risk is ashamed of me. I'm only okay to be around in the dark of night or far far away from anybody possibly seeing us together. All this time and I still am just a dirty little secret. Yep, I'm too emotional...

Regrets

I'm on facebook and this stupid app asked me to name one of my regrets. Well since I'm sitting here drinking wine freaking out about things I think I will answer on here. Let me pick a good regret. I'm going to go with my 18th birthday. My dad was dying of cancer. I really mean dying here. My birthday was a Friday. I had a softball game. I didn't want to be home. I went out. I came home late. I sucked as a kid. I didn't want to deal with sick parent. I was rocking the denial hardcore. The end was not upon us. I was a brat that whole weekend. The next day I went and hung out with this boy that I liked. We started a relationship that day. I was young and in infatuation. I didn't care about anything but the boy. My mom told me that night how upset my dad was that I didn't mention my birthday to him and that he didn't get to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't care. Denial was in control. The next say I went to the circus with my friends. We had a fabulous time. Very young and very innocent. I got home late again. When I got home my aunts and uncles were at my house. It was bad. I went to bed. I went to be with the thought of "well, I had a great birthday, got a new boyfriend and really had fun at the circus and now my dad is going to die." It most definitely happened that night. I was selfish. I didn't want to be inconvenienced by his suffering. I was a terrible person. That is a true regret that I will have to carry with me all of my days.

The Bob Saga Takes A Turn

I got a call from the hospital a few hours ago to ask some questions for my upcoming surgery. Nothing like being caught off guard by the phone call. Let me start off with the doctor's visit this morning. This is the fourth doctor that I have seen in regards to the dumb spot on my finger that I have lovingly named Bob. Bob needs to go. It seems like all of the doctors are in agreement on this point. No one seems to know what caused Bob. It is just hanging out on my finger. This doctor today is a specialist. He thinks Bob is nothing but he can't be totally for sure without doing a biopsy. I'm like ok lets do it. He then asks if I have any other spots. Well, I have the weird spots on the bottom of my feet which have been there for a long time and never concerned me but I thought might as well show him. He thinks they are odd. Feet spots are not good apparently. He proceeds to pull out the ruler and measure them and decides that he should hack off one of them. Super fun. He is like we will do it at the same time. I tell him fine lets just this over with. He tells me that we will do it and he says we'll take you to the operating room and remove them. Ok, I'm thinking they have some room in the office that they do minor outpatient surgery. Then the nurse comes in. No such luck. She comes in and tells me that I have to go to my family doctor and get a physical because it is required for the surgery. My first reaction was I thought we were doing this now? She says no and starts asking me what hospital I want this done at. Excuse me? This doctor is in Cincinnati. I have no idea where she is trying to send me. Finally we decide that I will go to Dayton to let them hack my finger. We come up with a time and I leave extremely frustrated by the situation. Several hours later the hospital calls. They need to ask me some questions. Do I have diabetes? Do I take medication for high blood pressure? Stuff like that. Whatever. No big deal. Then they start talking about blood tests. I'm starting to get confused. I ask the poor lady on the phone what exactly is going on. Of course she doesn't know any real details but the vague ones are enough to send me over the edge. She starts with how the doctor has booked the operating room for and hour and forty five minutes. What??? Then she tells me that they plan on knocking me out. Bitch what??? She says she is sorry that she doesn't know more and then hangs up. That was a hell of a lot more than I knew to begin with. Now I'm terrified. I have a serious phobia of getting knocked out. I think that taking my chances with having cancer is a better option than doing this. I don't think I am capable of getting into a car and going down there to do this surgery. Aside from losing someone I love this is my biggest fear. I don't know what to do. I don't think Bob is cancer. I have no idea about the foot thing. That may very well be, but I bet they can hack that off in a doctor's office. Honestly someone may have to drag me kicking and screaming to the hospital to have this done. I doubt my anxiety medication can handle this fear. I am TERRIFIED of this. What to do. What to do?

Shame On Me Part 2

I'm an ass. I feel like a giant one right now. I put took out years of anger towards a couple of people and dumped all of it on someone who really didn't deserve it. I feel really terrible about it. I said mean things. I'm beating myself up for it. I spent hours crying about it. I'm just a little too emotional about things at the moment and mountains are being made of molehills. Sorry is all I have and I often wonder if that can ever really be enough. Hopefully it can be...

Shame On Me

Sometimes you don't get the people you want. I have found this to be true my entire life. The people I want to be there for me when I need them never seem to be the ones I get. It's like a thousand little deaths when you realize that the ones you want to care don't really. They say they do. You want to believe them. Reality is they just aren't. It's a grand reason not to trust people. It is a perfect reason to not let people in. They just kill you in small ways that they don't even understand. I hate that I keep believing that things can be different. People are people. They just constantly let you down. I'm just an inconvenience most of the time. I do need people from time to time. I do want to have friends that I can trust and turn to in a time of need. Unfortunately it doesn't usually work out the way I want them to. I've never had the person I've wanted in a crisis be there for me. I've had people be there for me don't get me wrong. I'm eternally grateful to those people but they weren't who my soul cried out for. Those people just run the other way. Because they are scared. Because they don't have the right words. Because they are mad. Or maybe they just suck as friends. Maybe I have the worst taste in people ever. Maybe I'm just fucking stupid when it comes to trusting people. Shame on me for thinking that things were different this time. My motto has been for ages I am a rock I am an island and I think I need to stick to that. Fuck people fuck the world. All I can count on is me and God. That is all I need.

Anxiety

I think it is fair to say that my life has spiraled a little out of control lately. Maybe it has been spiraling for years. I don't really know. What I do know is that I went to the doctor and he thought I should try some medication to even me out a bit. He thought it would help with my anxiety. I've always had anxiety. I can remember being in third grade being concerned about when the sun goes supernova and the earth is destroyed because of it. That is the person I have always been. I worry. I worry about the world. I worry about my friends. I worry about my loved ones. It is the foundation of my personality. It is really difficult when what you are takes over you life. It is also very strange to have some put you on a medication that should help you not be what you are. I mean it is a good thing to not have panic attacks. I don't like feeling like my heart is going to explode. I don't enjoy spending hours fretting about small details. Yet I miss it to some degree. I don't feel quite right. I've been told some stuff lately and I really think I should care more than I do. It's like there is a slight disconnect with my feelings. That sucks a lot for me. I'm a feelings person. I follow my heart more than my head. What am I supposed to do if I can't trust my feelings? I'm thinking that a therapist is the next place for me to go. Maybe if I go talk to someone and figure out healthier ways of dealing I won't need to take the medication. Maybe I can rebuild some of the armor that used to protect me from spiraling. I just know something has got to give and I hope it is soon.

Sexuality

I think I will write a tougher blog this time. I think it is high time I try to explain my sexuality. I think this is something that confuses most people. I don't think it is that confusing but I'm in my head all the time. I guess I see the world differently than a lot of people. When I was taught as a child to never judge a book by it's cover I took it to heart. I don't think that love is a gender specific thing. I'm a girl. I've dated boys. I've dated girls. I've fallen in love with boys. I've fallen in love with girls. When I look into someones eyes I don't see their gender. Male or female doesn't register their. I fall in love with what the eyes tell me. I fall in love with a soul. I want to look into someones eyes and see the possibility of forever there. I want to know that I could spend a thousand lifetimes exploring the subtle shifts and changes that emotion brings to them. I want to see joy and happiness fill their soul and shine so brightly in the their eyes that world is blinded by that radiance. That's what I fall in love with. I don't fall in love with body. I don't lose myself in the physical world. Honestly I don't understand why people get so lost in the physical aspects of love. Yes I want to desire someone and yes I do have things that attract me to people physically. The thing is that changes. Those things melt away. Beauty changes. Everyone realizes that. Everyone knows that the most beautiful person can have such an ugly soul that they are no longer beautiful. What is so wrong with falling in love with the person on the inside? What is so hard to understand about that? It is funny that I am too gay for some people and not gay enough for others. The truth of the matter is I'm a terrible example of either one. I just follow what my heart tells me. I try to see what is really there in a person. I want to be true to what their soul reveals. That is where my sexuality leads me.

My Filter

Sometimes I wish I had a filter that worked properly. I say things to people I shouldn't say. I don't say things to others that I should. My thought process at times is a little warped. I am an inappropriate laugher. I make jokes about things that are not in the least bit funny to try and hide what is really going on. I make people uncomfortable with my intensity at times. I also make people uncomfortable when I give them no feelings what so ever. I just mess things up frequently. It does weigh on my mind a lot. I don't know when to just be quiet. I am silent when I should speak out. It is like there is a giant disconnect. What I should do seems to be the opposite of what I do. Heck, even writing anything here causes issues. I don't filter here. I don't reread. I don't edit. It just comes out and then someone reads it and gets upset. I wish I knew how to control my mouth. I wish I was better at standing up for myself. I wish I was better at not making things worse. I don't know if it is at all redeemable that I think oddly. I sometimes see things in such a different way. Then I express them and I look like an ass or a nut. Which is better? I just hope I'm not doing irrevocable harm to my life by having confusion live in my filter.

Super

I honestly don't know how do deal with being afraid. I don't do scared for myself. I am struggling to stay above water at the moment. My family biggest bad word is cancer and now I may have it. It seems to be a death sentence for my family. It is a death sentence on both sides of the family. Just the mention of the word sends shivers down my spine. So when I went to the doctor last week and he said that this stupid spot on my finger could be cancer imagine my panic. I am trying to stay calm about it. I'm trying to cling to the might in this. I'm trying to not breakdown. Unfortunately, I'm not doing a very good job at it. I'm in a total panic. Last night I had a half hour breakdown in front of the refrigerator in my kitchen. Just couldn't stop crying. Each day that I have to wait to find out what is really going on is like an eternity of doubt and fear that I have to wade through. Then yesterday at church the pastor used specifically finding out that you melanoma and have 6 weeks to live in the sermon. Nothing like having the ultimate fear of this whole situation vocalized. I'm lucky that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then. I'm not a scene maker so I fought back every emotion that was threatening to overtake me. What a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I'm fixated on it. I can't think of anything else. Spending as much time alone as I do doesn't help either. I just sit and imagine the worst. And since the thing is on my finger all I do is look at it all day long. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown before. I guess the plan for the next week or so is drink. Make jokes about the situation. Pretend that I'm not absolutely petrified about all of this. My rational mind is telling me that this is all very early and that it will all be okay, but my irrational mind has more control at the moment. I hate not having any control.

Awkward

Sometimes I have so much on my mind I want to scream. I have to fight the urge to hide from myself. I do stuff that I shouldn't do. I have so many strange difficult conversations ahead of me. I hate awkward conversations. I should be getting a little more used to them because I have been having loads of them lately, but I'm not. I don't really want to explain weakness to people. Unfortunately I will have to explain things. That sucks. Everyone has there vices unfortunately mine is something no one really wants to talk about. I don't really want to talk about it. I've spend many years not talking about it. Problem is I don't think I can hide it this time. It is what it is. Is it a problem? Sometimes. Is it dangerous? Not really. Does it scare the crap out of people? Probably. I don't see a way to not talk about it. This is something to dread. Something to add to my stress. Blah blah blah. If it isn't one thing it's another. I really am getting on my own nerves at this point.

Spilling

Here is something I am trying to figure out:my diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to conversations with Lilac. I say so much. It is the weirdest thing. I don't tell people certain things about myself and here I am spilling EVERYTHING! I mean stuff that I have never told a soul. Hell, stuff I have never said to myself. It just all comes out. I honestly don't get it. I don't know if since I opened the floodgates with the honesty nothing is now taboo. That doesn't seem like me. I have shared crap in the past with people but usually I talk about it in a form similar to this one. Write about it. Dump all the crap. Never talk about it in real life. That is how I share. Never really let the cracks show. Now I'm like a raging river that can't be stopped. I seriously feel sorry for my friend. Who really wants to know all this crap? I can't believe I've opened up like this. I'm not sure if it's freeing or just me cracking under the stress and losing my damn mind. I'm hoping for freeing but a little worried about the damn mind. It is just so bizarre. This whole situation is playing games with my personality. I just don't get it.

Rambling About Love

It has been a bit since I have just rambled on here. I think tonight is a great time for it. I want to ramble about love. It is what seems to be on my mind most of the time. What is love? What is romantic love? What is platonic love? What is family love? What is friend love? Love is something we are all searching for. Love is something that almost everyone desires. Love is what makes us crazy. Love is what makes us want to get up in the morning. Love is that driving force that makes life worth living. Love love love. I don't always think I understand love. I have been in love. I am in love. I still don't understand it. If you go back ages in my life and revisit my love for my Dawson you can see how things can get so confusing for me. I loved my Dawson. I wanted to spend my life with someone who I considered my soul mate. Dawson didn't wait for me to be ready to commit. I still love this person. I will always love this person. Is that the love you wait forever for? First love? Soul mate? If you know in you heart what is right then why didn't this work out? Let's look at another love my little Sappho. That was an epic love for me. It was all consuming. I would have walked through fire to make that work out. It was the real deal for me. What the poets have written about through the ages. It didn't work out. The timing was bad. We were in different places in our lives. Then time turned on me and everything was ruined. Once again if you know in your heart what is right why didn't this work out? Here I am again in love. It is calming and gentle. It is tender and sweet. It is everything that I could want but there are road bumps. I think I miss the fire that came with my little Sappho. I think I desire the innocence that came with my Dawson. I don't know if the poets would right about us. I desire that love. I think we all want that love. I think that I sell my love short now. I think that I'm terrified to have that love. I fall in love with someone who makes me happy but I'm not sure I have given everything in return. I also look to people who would never want me and swoon over them because I know they would never return my love. That sucks. For me. My love. My loves love. The object of my wandering eyes love. I know what love is to me. I don't always do what is best for my love. I don't always understand the things I do in the name of love. I just know that I want it.

perspective

Sometimes we all need to take a break and put things in perspective. I was reading my friends blog just a few minutes ago and realized that I really just need to let some things go. Give it to God. Relax and trust that things will work out like they are supposed to. I put too much of everything upon myself and that isn't what I should do. I have amazing friends that are going through and have gone through so much more than I have. I whine and lament and I shouldn't. I should stop and realize how blessed I am. I have friends and family who love me. I have my health. I have the day ahead of me. I have love. I am lucky in so many ways. I don't always see what is staring at me, but today I'm trying. Things aren't as bad as they seem. Life will work itself out. I will figure out what is going on in my head. Most of what I stress about doesn't really matter in the long run. I have to focus on that and be happy with what I have. Right now. This moment.

Focus

So my confusion continues. I really wish that I had my head clear and understood what was really going on with me. I don't really know why Risk and I always seem to come back to Lilac. It confuses the crap out of me. If I say I have conflicted feelings for Lilac why frequently tell me to go after Lilac? I'm with Risk. That is what I want. Yes, I am a little perplexed by my feelings for Lilac, but I have no intention of going after Lilac. In truth, I would be a horrible match for Lilac. I'm aware of that. I don't get why Risk doesn't see it. I am just friends with Lilac. That is all. I don't really need any innuendos to add to my confusion. It just messes with my head. I want to focus on figuring out Risk and me. That is what I need to do. Nothing else matters in this relationship. I need to focus on one person at a time. Risk is that person not Lilac. I need to focus.

Goodbye Board

I guess I should explain somewhere the reason why I left the board. I think this is as good a place as any. Here goes: I think most people know I've been under a little stress lately. My emotions are a little out of control. I need a little less stress in my life. The board has become major stress. The leadership doesn't like me. I've been told that for the last several months the leadership has been speaking poorly of me to anyone who would listen. The reasoning was never brought to me. I can speculate why I'm on the outs with this person but nothing was ever brought to me. This underlying emotion started to hurt me. Then we got to Little Shop and things just seemed to fall apart. Two comments to someone and a not that terrible of an email led to a full cast fifteen minute lecture that was designed to put me in my place. This conflict with the one person wasn't something that the whole cast had to be informed of. This issue wasn't anything that had to do with the leadership to begin with. It was made personal. It was made hurtful. Things just got worse through the show. We then fast forward a week and get to the meeting. This issue is between me and one other person really. It wasn't an agenda item in my opinion. I wasn't going to talk about my feelings in front of everyone. I couldn't tell everyone how much my feelings have been hurt in the last several months by the leadership. I couldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I just ran away. I don't want them see how truly hurtful it is when everyone seems to turn against you because one person has decided they don't like you. I'm the person that folks are whispering about and how they don't want to end up like me. The only way to deal with the leadership is to cower in fear because if you impost the wrath you are finished. Leadership by fear. Leadership by pain. Leadership by intimidation. I can't do that anymore.

Hmmmm

I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure out what is going on with me. It all makes so much sense to me at the moment. I've felt terrible for so long and I just didn't understand why. Stupid Shanna. I compromised my morals and it is killing me on the inside. I've always stayed true to my morals in the past and all of a sudden I turned my back on them. Everything is so difficult now. I used to stand for something even if it was only to myself. I don't have that anymore. I don't know what I am anymore. I know I'm sad. I know I am disappointed in myself. I know that I have been this self destructive in a ages. I know I'm weak. These are the things I'm aware. Unfortunately they don't help me find myself again. I'm a hypocrite now. I'm a liar. I'm so many things that I detest. I detest myself now. This is oh so overwhelming. When I entered the situation I thought I could handle things. I guess I was very wrong. I have to figure out a way to find my way back to myself. I should have realized at the beginning that this wasn't me. I'm not this person. But I guess now I am. I'm exactly what I was told I was. I guess I really don't have any morals.

Naming the Players

I think it's time a I name the players involved in my blogs. Not real names just a name so that things don't get confusing. I don't like writing about people and being specific. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I like to protect folks as much as possible when they appear here. So I'm going to name a couple characters right now and give a brief description about how they fit into my life. First person is Risk. Risk is just that a huge risk in my life. Risk managed to capture my heart and has helped me learn to let go. I love Risk. Unfortunately, like all risks, I'm not sure the gamble is the best thing for me. Risk makes me feel wonderful one minute and terrible the next. It really isn't anything that Risk does it is just the situation we have found ourselves in. Second player I'm going to call Lilac. Strange choice of names, I know, but strangely fitting. Think about spring and when the lilacs are in bloom. Think about that feeling when you close your eyes and you can smell the lilacs in the breeze. The feeling that spring is here and that everything is possible again. The lilacs fill your soul with this sense of hope. Yes, it is a fleeting feeling but it is one that is so powerful. It is one you can look forward to. That is the kind of person Lilac is. When I find myself in the presence of Lilac there is hope. There is this unexplainable smile that comes into my life. It isn't something that I could hope to have forever but it is something that I can look forward to and enjoy in that moment. Lilac brings a certain peace to my heart. These are the two principle players in my life at the moment. I've screwed up lately and hurt both Risk and Lilac. I can't really change the past so I'm pushing ahead. Risk doesn't want to talk about things. It hurts to not really know what is going on in someone you loves head. I don't know what to do about that. Lilac and I are working things out. We are willing to talk about things. Thank goodness for that. I don't always understand my feelings for Lilac but at least things are out in the open now. I know that things will always be different for us but at least there is an us to talk about. No, not an us in a romantic way, but an us in a friendship way. That is all I ever really wanted. I wanted us to all be friends. Hopefully we have that again.

Not So Happy

The last time I posted I was happy now I'm not so happy. I think that everything a giant mess at the moment. Last night I hurt someone that I care about very much. I didn't mean to put her through this, but the fact is I did. My decisions led to her pain. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can ever really be forgiven. I don't think I deserve to be forgiven but I hope so very much that I am. This black cloud is over everything at the moment. I think that maybe my feelings of guilt and shame are what's leading me to being sick. I've been on and off sick for the last month and a half. I can't eat anymore. Everytime I do eat I just get sick. My body is so tired and I can't focus on simple things. I came clean and I thought maybe it would help, but I now just want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm so miserable. I hate myself for bringing hurt into her eyes. I'm a terrible person right now. I can't wrap my head around this. I don't know if there are enough I'm sorry's in the world to make this better. I have no idea what to do now. THis sucks soooo much.

I Think I'm Happy

I think I'm happy at the moment. I met someone that makes my heart sing. I wasn't sure in the beginning if I would allow myself to feel this way. I'm so glad I did. All of this has been easier than I thought. I just had to let go and follow my heart. That was a tremendous thing for me to embrace but I did it. Yes, I still love my past love, but I can't hang onto that forever. I know that she would be happy that I've let someone else in. For the first time in forever I don't feel like I'm cheating. That was a major issue since she left me. This guilt that consumed me every time I started to get close to someone else. Now I feel free from that guilt. I feel free to say I love you to someone. I feel free to touch and be close. I'm living in the now not the past anymore. There wasn't really anything to fear. I'm so very happy I know that now.

Another day

Another day is here and I'm so troubled. I truly wish that I could do something to ease my friends suffereing. I feel like we all were given a wake up call about life. We are such fagile creatures. We can have so much of what we think defines ourselves taken away in a heartbeat. It is scary. One day you are smiling with someone and the next their life is completely altered. I don't know what to make of it. I have spent the vast majority of my day dwelling on it. There is nothing I can do or say that will make any of this better, but I want to try. Kind words and good thoughts only go so far. Unfortunately, that is all I have. How can that ever be enough? My friends are hurting. My friends are scared. I have nothing to offer. What is one supposed to do in this situation? Sit and think? Stand and dwell? Pace and worry? That's what I've been doing all day and I don't think it is doing anything for anyone. It hurts my heart to know I can't help. What a horrible horrible mess.

Accidents

I really hate guns. I really don't understand the need for them in regular life. If people didn't have them for stupid reasons maybe a kid wouldn't be looking at life in a wheelchair right now. It is so easy to have something stupid happen with one. I don't have to even know the whole story to know that it is a huge stupid reason. Why would anyone need to be carrying a handgun? Are we all so afraid for our safety that it is necessary to have them? I don't get it. Do we see them as a toy? Are they treated with the respect that they deserve? I think that people believe that nothing can happen to them just because they can shoot one. Big deal! Being able to shoot doesn't mean that you can't have stupid accidents! It saddens me sooooo much that this happened. This is a kid who knew guns. He probably thought nothing like this could happen. Guess what it did. He is now a statistic. A story of what can happen. I wish we listened to those stories. I wish we learned from mistakes and accidents. I hate guns. I hate what they represent. I don't want to touch them or be a part of them. I'm not fighting any wars here. I'm not protecting my family. I'm not trying to get dinner. I have no reason for them. I wish more people saw things this way. I wish that this didn't happen. You are in my prayers.

Rules To A Game

I am trying really hard to enjoy the moment that I am having. Some moments it is amazing. When we are together everything is easy and wonderful. Unfortunately there are the times we are not together that troubles me to no end. It's not that I'm overly insecure about things it just that I'm not so good at the game we are trying to play. If you are playing a game then there should be some goal to play for and I'm not sure that there really is a winner at the end of this game. I'm playing because I really want to play but I worry that in the end we will both lose. I hate losing. I'm trying to follow the rules, but sometimes its seems like the rules change on a whim. I wish this was easier. I'm worried way too much that I have done something to basically break the rules and ruin things between us Hell, this is breaking the rule to some extent. Hopefully a blog doesn't mess things up, but I do need some way to sort out my thoughts on the matter. Talking to the great void has always been helpful in the past. I really do suck at the game!

I Don't Remember That Last Post

Well, I really didn't know I wrote that last blog. Hmmmm......Wine.....
Anyway, I am so broken up at the moment. Apparently I said I was falling for someone and I am. I'm a mess with it. It is eating me up on the inside. Maybe it is the time of year. It is less then a week from the two year anniversary of the love of my life's death. It seems like just yesterday that we could, but no, it has been 2 year. Two years since things seemed right. Now I'm in a situation where I could let someone in. I really like the guy that I mentioned before. There is no doubt about it. Unfortunately, I have this feeling that I will end up completely heartbroken by him. That terrifies me. The feeling is screaming at me from my soul. I know it will end up bad for me. It is a terrible dilemma for me. Could I be passing up something amazing because I'm afraid? I think that the answer to that would be a yes. What to do then? Should I take a chance? Should I close myself off? Should I just go with it and whatever happens happens? My heart is so heavy right now. I really just wish I had my love back and I wouldn't have to deal with this. I really wouldn't have mattered if we would have been together or not. I would have had my hope. I really miss that hope. I don't know if a new relationship will fill me with hope. I think that it could be amazing in the now. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to just embrace the now.

First Half Drunk Blog

When I wrote on myspace i tended to write several half crockede blogs. They were probably some of my most honest blogs, but they also led to some of the oddest conversation afterward. Well, this is my first half crocked blogs on this site. I just drank a bottle of wine and now I feel like sharing. I know it is always a bad idea to share when the alcohal is taken over, but whatever. Who cares I have the hiccups and I feel like alking. Sue me! I think I may havea seriuos crush theatening to take over my life. I met a guy and I really like him. I don't know what it is, but he makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him. I don't know if it is the best thing for me, but I'm trying to take a step back and enjoy the feelings. I get too intense at times. Maybe that is a bad thing, but i wouldn't trade it for the would. Feelings tend to rule my life. If I'm happy should I run? What is wrong with taking a chance on something that may not be forever? I am working on not being so intense and breathing in life. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction!

The Flirt

I think I may flirt a little too much at times. I don't really notice it most of the time, but I did yesterday. I was one of those "Damn, I think I'm flirting" moments. I should have just rolled with it, but I made the mistake of saying to one of my friends that I thought I was flirting. He then preceded to describe me as a giant flirt with this whole list of people that I've apparently toyed with their feelings. Okay, that isn't really fair. Some of them I have done wrong. I admit that, but not as many as he was poor so and soing. He just kept naming names. Boys and girls that I have been the object of my attention. It is really hard for me see what I'm doing. I don't think most see that I am a really physical person. I try very hard to keep it in check, but I think it comes out mostly around my guy friends and they take it as flirting. I'm very anti physical contact with my girl friends because I don't want them to think I'm crossing some line with them that I'm not. It makes things a little tricky at times, but I thought I had it under control. I think that it is time for people to realize that I don't have any game and if I am really trying to hit on you it will be pathetic. If I'm really interested one of two equally pathetic things will happen. One, I will get clumsy. Dropping drinks. Running into things. Not remembering my balance and falling over. Two, pathetic puppy dog syndrome. I will follow you. do whatever you ask. Be the bestest friend one can be. Those are my terrible flirting methods. You have been warned!

Oklahoma!

I'm sitting backstage at our last performance of Oklahoma and having that feeling of don't end. The last couple of weeks have been some of the best weeks I have had in ages. I don't know what it is that is making it so wonderful. It is, for the most part, just another show. It is with most of the same old players. It is in the same old place. It is very typical in most ways. Still, this has been a delightful time once production week started. It was like a breath of normal in my life. I felt like I had all the anxiety that was threatening to consume my life lifted. It was an answered prayer really. I was at the end of my self control and then it was ok. Thank God for that! I will miss these people more than I can imagine. I think that this show is one of those moments in the woods. Just a moment, but still a blessing. I can just sit backstage and be happy here. There isn't the stress or the worry that goes along with most shows. Maybe that is because I don't really do anything in it, but I think I like it that way. It is like the easiest thing in the world to do. I also love when you are backstage and you here mistakes on stage. Sound guy just missed a cue and it is so funny to me. It is the joy of blogging during a show. The actors are starting to do the crazy things that they really want to do and are afraid to do. If you see Lucas anytime in the near future ask him about the sausage!!! Great experience great people great time! You should have all seen Oklahoma!!

An Answer to a Question

Tonight at the show I'm in I was asked to share a story about my love life. It ended up being kind of a depressing question. I was forced to go with the answer of I don't really have any good stories. How sad is that? In all honesty I don't have much of a love life. I'm a really picky person. Of course I've been in love, but there really aren't any stories. I've said in the past that I've been in love four times. That seems pretty good, but in reality, not so much. I really should only count two of them as real romance. Both of those have sad endings. First one was that epic first love. He was who I thought I'd marry. The boy of my dreams. I loved him so much, but was afraid of getting hurt. I kept him at arms lenth for years. Then, he got married. It broke my heart to see him with someone else. I guess I thought he would fight for me and wait for me until I was ready. That didn't happen. I was the right one for him. I honestly believe that. His marriage hasn't worked out, but I can't love him the same way anymore. He didn't fight for me. I wasn't worth the effort then and I don't think I can ever really forgive that. Second love was everything I ever wanted, but couldn't have. I loved her with a firery passion. My world was so much more with her. It was one of those going in you knew wasn't going to work out. There was an age difference and a life difference. I was ready for the long haul and she was young and needed to be young. I was ok with that. I knew that love was on our side and that in the end we would be together. Unfortunely, time wasn't on my side. Fate stepped in and she isn't in this world any longer. I have so many regrets there. I'm a patient person and I thought time was going to be on our side. I didn't fight for us, and I wish with all my heart I would have. I will always have that regret. These are not fun love stories to share. I looked at the girl tonight and just told her that I didn't have any stories. That I didn't have anything to share. It makes me so sad to realize that that is the story of my life at the moment. Hopefully one day I will find someone to fall in love with again. Hopefully someday I will have a story to share with my friends. Hopefully I don't get asked that question for a very long time.

A New Blog Place For Me!

I have decided that it is time that I started blogging again. I was a frequent blogger on myspace, but have stopped blogging there. I really do enjoy sharing my random thoughts with the universe as it is. It is nice to get them out to no one and everyone. Anyway, I should start with a brief introduction to me. I'm a theatre addict! I am almost always in a show somewhere. It is my drug of choice. When not doing a show you can probably find me getting into trouble with my mildly flirty nature. I tend to find myself getting into situations that are messy for my friends. Oops is all I can say most of the time:-) I have a great group of friends that seem to roll with my outlandish behavior. I'm a hopeless romatic who believes in love at first sight and the power of forever. That being said, I'm very guarded with my heart and with my emotions. I'm difficult to really get to know, but easy to read. I'm an extremely physical person, but I keep in check to make other people comfortable around me. I'm an extreme liberal with my ideals, but extremely conservative when it comes to myself. Responsiblity is very important to me and I will always strive to keep my word to people. Once I agree to something I'm in for the long haul even if it's not really what I want to do. I'm a walking contradition and that's the way I like it!! Welcome to my new blog!!!