Really, Bristol Palin?!?

So I've been watching this season of Dancing With the Stars and for the most part I have enjoyed it but I'm really fed up right now. I don't get the fact that Bristol Palin keeps going in this competition. I think that a large portion of the viewers are idiots. I really do. How can you reward crap like that? It's not like she is even close to being as good of a dancer as the other people that were left at the beginning of tonight's show. Then she beat out Brandy. Say what?!? That girl had a perfect score last night and the Palin girl has been the bottom scorer for weeks on end. I think the folks that vote for the Palin girl are the same ones that bought the William Hung album. The problem with that is that it's not rewarding excellence. You are supposed to work hard and try your hardest and if you are the best you should be rewarded. That doesn't seem to be the case with this show. This show has become a total joke popularity contest what is controlled by popular politics. I'm super glad that a mediocore dancer and performer can keep coming out on top because folks like her mom. Of course, maybe that's not the case. Maybe people just feel sorry for her. That's how I would like compete. You get into competitions to strive to be the best. Trying your best isn't what allows someone to win a competition. If that was the case I would totally have an Olympic medal. I don't have one because I haven't earned that or been the best at that given moment. Bristol Palin hasn't been the best even once. I can't stand the fact that she keeps getting rewarded. She'll probably win and that is the worst piece of television that I can think of.

Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown

This past weekend I had the privilege of seeing WOMEN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN on Broadway. I was extremely excited to see this show mainly because Sherie Rene Scott is in it. I am a huge Sherie Rene Scott fan! I love so many of her shows. One of my biggest dreams was so see her perform live. I wasn't disappointed. I'm not going to say that this was the best show that I've ever seen. It just wasn't. I really liked it though. Sherie Rene Scott was amazing! I know that the professional reviews say that she was a bit lost and the show was pretty much crap, but I don't agree. I think the lost feel was the direction that the director chose for the show. Sherie Rene Scott's Pepa is kind of lost for a large portion of the show but that is Pepa is a lost person. I don't think that was the fault of acting I think that is was the direction of the character. I loved listening to her sing. Everytime she opened her mouth I was transfixed. I thought she was great. Also, there were tons of stars in this show. How many times does one get to see on stage, at the same time, the likes of Patti LuPone, Brian Stokes Mitchell and Laura Benanti? These are true stars!! For the most part they were great. Brian Stokes Mitchell has the ability to make a women melt just by saying "blah" which he did. I have to say I melt when he opens his mouth to sing. Laura Benanti was extremely funny. She stole the show in my opinion. What can you really say about Patti LuPone? I mean, she's Patti LuPone! That's all most people need. This show also had Grams in it! Mary Beth Peil aka Grams was so cute. The duet that Sherie Rene Scott and her sang was one of the highlights of the show for me. How could I not be happy to hear her lovely soprano? I was very happy that I got to see this show. I think most people will be happy to see this show as long as they don't go in expecting some profound theatre experience or the next WICKED. It's light and fun and I think worth the money to see.

ANTM

So I'm totally obsessed with this cycle of Top Model. It has been a long time since I was this into a cycle. The last one that I was this into was cycle 7. That was a long time ago! This cycle we have Kayla. She is everything that you could want in a contestant. She is beautiful. She takes great pictures. She has a compelling back story. Maybe it's the gay in me but I can't help but root for her. She started out this proud but wounded out woman. She didn't care what the world had to say. She was proud of herself. That drew me in. As the cycle has progressed we have been let into this woman's life. We have been allowed to know and understand her pain. It makes me want to root for her more. Hell, it makes me want to be her friend. I feel like I'm getting a friend through the show in Kayla. Here's hoping that the winner of Cycle 15 of America's Next Top Model is Kayla.

No Idea

There is something major to be said for my new relationship. I have no idea where it is headed. That is a major first for me. I have known the outcome of every relationship I have walked into until now. What a strange and exciting feeling. I don't see a path laid out before me. I think this is a good thing. I hope it's a good thing:) I haven't smiled this much in so long. What a wonderful feeling. It is really nice to be wanted and not have this constant fear that someone might find out and that you will ruin everything. There isn't that pressure in this relationship. This actually is a relationship. How blind I was to what those where for too long. Shame on me for selling myself short for way too long. Maybe I should have taken the advice I was given way earlier than I did. I should have walked away when I started to hurt on a daily basis. I'm stubborn I guess. Next time I ask for advice from someone who knows me ridiculously well I'll listen. I'm happier that way. I'm happier in this relationship. I'm learning about myself. I'm letting myself really feel. I'm understanding certain truths about myself that I had hid from for way too long. I'm trying not to make the stupid mistakes that I made in the past all over again. I don't know where any of this is going but I don't want to lose it. I feel special. I feel blessed. I feel happy. If only I could fix a couple of other things and I would be about the happiest person in the world!

I Can Embrace This

Affairs of the heart seem to consume most of my time. Well, that and shows, but the heart is at the core of my being. I'm happy at the moment. I'm seeing someone and I really like them. I really enjoy are time together and I really like the notion of someone not being ashamed to be with me. That being said I still second guess everything too much. I'm trying not to sabotage myself. I always seem to do that when I am honestly interested in someone. I sit and question my heart. I ask it constantly if I am doing what it truly wants. I don't know what my heart really wants at times. Sometimes it longs so much for the past that it clouds the present. I need to remember that every kiss with someone doesn't have to scream my soul mate. Maybe my romantic notions are too ingrained in my heart. Lovely delightful and wonderful are really positive things and that is what I have. I decided that I wanted to take things slow with this relationship so that I could process my feelings and I guess I should be ok with that decision. The problem is I suck at not totally running forward with my emotions. I'm someone who is totally guided by the heart. I like this moment and I really just need to not mess it up with my out of control worry. I need to not over nurture this. I need to not dwell on past feelings for other people. I need to remember that I am allowed to be happy. Deep breath Shanna you can do this!

I'm Such A Girl

Here's a short funny story for the day. I get home last night from hanging out with some of my friends. My gf and I are in my living room and all of a sudden there is this clanging sound from my furnace. It sounds like something is flying in the pipe. I realize what that sound is quickly, a bird!! It has somehow gotten into the pipe from the roof and is now stuck. I'm a little freaked out about it but decide to go with the shut the bedroom door turn on a fan and hop the cat kills it approach. The morning arrives and I creep out of the bedroom looking to see if dead bird is hanging out somewhere on the floor. I see nothing and hear nothing so I figure that maybe it got out somehow. About half an hour passes and then I hear the clanging again. Then all of a sudden in swoops the bird!! Panic time for me! I scream like the girl I am and hide under the covers! Thank goodness I wasn't alone! The gf takes a box and captures the bird and sets it free. My hero! I am such a girl at times!!!

My Voice

I think I may have lost my voice a bit. Not my singing voice by my voice in life. I've let my friends dictate how I should express myself. I've worried about hurting people and protecting them so much that I've lost an important part of myself. Most of the time it isn't worth it. Why should I care how my words effect them? It isn't as though I'm writing horrible things about them most of the time. Usually if someone gets included in this form it is because they are important to me. Some feelings and issues are better handled in a format that is less confrontational. I don't want to fight with people. I don't like how that makes me feel. I don't like how I can make people feel if I turn my temper onto them. If I write about it then sure they may see it, but it is in a digestible manner. Are my blogs the end all and be all of my truth? No, but it is a truth for that moment. If I'm upset today does that mean I'm upset tomorrow? I don't understand why I have to censure myself for them. I get that words can hurt. I know how to hurt people with them. I don't deny that. I'm going to take my voice back. If I have something on my mind I'm going to write about it. If I have someone on my mind, well, then I'm going to write about them. This is who I am. I'm tired of trying to conform to what people think I should be. I suck at hiding from myself. You know what forcing yourself to be something you're not leads to? It leads to crazy and I don't want to visit that again. Look for some real ponderings from this theatre addicts mind. I'm taking back my voice and sorry if you don't understand that

Let Me Ramble

I walked outside yesterday to stop and smell the lilacs. The perfect representation of spring. Sweet, inviting, beautiful. They give you hope that anything is possible. A new beginning. It is a feeling that you can't help but love. The thing about lilacs is that they are fleeting. They come into you life for just a few heartbeats and then they are gone leaving you with only the hope of seeing them again in the future. A glimpse of perfection. I love the lilac. I do. It makes me very happy but I know that it is never going to be mine to keep. It is just something that I can feel and enjoy but not have grand hopes for. An innocent love really.
I miss things not being complicated. I wish I could have a few of those perfect easy moments back. There were days that I felt like anything was possible. Everything got so complicated. It all turned into a giant mess that hurts more than words can describe. How much of things were a joke to everyone involved but me? I wish I had a clear handle on things. All I have are my pesky feelings and I think everyone knows that those are what gets me into so much trouble. I just want to enjoy spring. I want to embrace the new adventure that I'm trying to embark on. I want happiness without all the pretense. I'm really happy at the moment and I really want to enjoy it. I don't know, I guess I'm rambling a bit.

I'm Not Crazy!!!

Guess who got a you're not crazy from the therapist today?!? I have to say that I'm pretty happy to be told that I'm not crazy. It brings a huge smile to my face! I'm the happiest I've been in ages. I think that going crazy let me release huge amounts of stuff that had been building for years. I'm taking crazy as a positive. I have let go of large amounts of guilt. I have become open with who I am. I know who is really a friend to me and who isn't. I got those things out of this experience. I also got the most important thing ever out of this experience, I got my faith in God! Yes, I have found my faith finally. I let God into my heart. I let Jesus into my heart. I have to say it feels good. I had to let go of my guilt before I could have a real relationship with God. If you believe that Jesus died for your sins then you can't hold him a distance to keep him away from your sin. God stepped in and saved my life. I know that with every fiber of my being. God had my niece call me at the exact moment that kept me from doing something drastic. God allowed me to have a friend that I loved enough to keep me safe. God works in funny ways. I think I have been hard headed for ages when it came to faith. I needed a scary God so that I could keep my guilt. Goodbye guilt! I have found my faith. I always knew that I needed a relationship with God to make me whole but I resisted it. Everything is so different now. I feel like a complete person. It really is a wonderful feeling:)

It's Not A Slight

Let me explain something here, just because I am enjoying the ACL group doesn't mean that I think poorly of any of my other friends. I find it frustrating that people would feel slighted in any way when I say that it is easy to go to ACL because I'm open there. I know that everyone has entered a new situation before with the chance to present yourself in a way that you would actually be seen. It is like that for me in this situation. If I go into the show as the gay chick then it is just the way it is. I don't have to have conversations about it. I don't have to worry about people I've known for seven years all of a sudden being concerned that I'm checking them out constantly. Trust me, this happens. It's frustrating. It doesn't mean that I think my friends are not supportive. It doesn't mean that I don't value them in any way what so ever. It just means that I don't have to have as many conversations about a topic that really shouldn't be an issue. I don't know if most people can understand that fact? Sometimes, and I know you will find this shocking, I get tired of talking about things. Yes, I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. I have nothing to lose at ACL. I have nothing to explain. It is just the way it is there. It can't be that way with the groups of friends I have other places. I have ties that will be lost one day just because of who I am. It is scary at times. It is saddening at times. I love all of my friends very much and don't want to hurt them. I just need them to understand that sometimes it isn't about them. They treat me wonderfully and are very supportive. I still had to have a conversation with most of them that could have went very poorly. I just enjoy skipping the conversation from time to time.

I Love Me Some ACL Nights

The thing that I love about A Chorus Line is that I think I can be myself there. I'm a little goofy. I'm a little demanding. I'm a little gay. I was having a lovely conversation about chicks last night with one of the girls and it was so comfortable. I miss that feeling. I've pushed it down for some time. I've dated one girl since my love died and it was a disaster. I've avoided since then. I've only really dated one other person in two and a half years and it was a guy. Yes, I loved him very much and still do, but my heart didn't skip a beat when he walked into a room. I could deal with that mainly by finding extremely straight girls to swoon over. One in general recently. It was a safe crush that I could channel the crazy passion into. I'm a passionate person. I want to be romantic and grand. I also want physical. I like to kiss and touch and be held. Those things make me happy. I really would like to have them in one person. I really want a girl. Let's face facts here. I'm pretty damn gay. I like to pretend straight. I like to make out with guys. I'm pretty successful at that. It's easy. I suck at girls. I get nervous. I get awkward. I get the butterflies. They are so much more exciting. I play the bi card to much. It's not really true. I just don't like the idea of hell and like to live in denial. Well, screw that. I don't think that being gay is a one way ticket to hell. I'm happier when I'm openly gay. I love chatting about hot girls with my friends. I love not playing a role. I love my A Chorus Line family because it isn't an issue. For the record just know that no matter how I play things off I'm gay. Remember that and the fact that I don't want to sleep with my straight girl friends. Straight girls are bad for the soul:)

A Blah Day

Here is a post crazy truth: I'm afraid of my emotions. If I'm having any emotion other than happy happy joy joy I'm terrified. I guess I'm not entirely sure how to take myself yet. Everything about the situation that happened was terrifying. I don't ever want to be anywhere near that again. I'm not having any type of unpleasant thought but I'm not jumping for joy at the moment and it makes me worry about the what if factor. Irrational fear at it's best. I suppose that this is to be expected. I mean my emotions and mind turned against me. I would be in denial if I one hundred percent trusted them yet. It's just scary. I don't like being scared. I don't want to be scared. Blah days shouldn't be a terror. I'm not crazy or dangerous I'm just nervous. I would prefer all happy feelings...

Therapy Not Bad

I went to the therapist yesterday and was told that things are looking up! Yes, I really did have a horrible reaction to my medications. It was some of the most exciting news ever!!!! The drugs might have almost killed me but I'm not looney! Thank God for that. What an unbelievably crazy trip this has all been. Thing is, I'm not sorry this all happened. All of this has put so much in perspective for me. God works in mysterious ways. I have taken so much for granted in life. Also I have blamed myself for too much of the crap of my past. Guess what? I'm not responsible for everything. I'm just not. I have to stop the apologizing for stuff that I'm not at fault for. I am going to let go of some of this senseless guilt. Yes, I can see clearly for maybe the first time ever. Things will be alright. God is good. All the time.

Let's Review

Here I am starting another day and I feel damn normal here! After months and months of not feeling normal I am here and enjoying it so much. Normal! Lets take a quick inventory of the last several months and the crazy things that have come about. Hell, if you look at them, crazy isn't all that shocking! Ha! First, I did something that I fundamentally didn't believe in. I'm a guilt person who beats themselves up for stuff that they feel is wrong. I got sick. Instantly sick after doing this. I mean I was so physically ill the next day that I didn't go to work. I had to beat myself. A couple weeks later I spilled the beans. That lead to the guilt and me still being sick. I start losing weight because I can't keep the food in. I go to the doctor. He says I think your depressed. He gives me drugs. I decide I don't want to take them. Then I get the strange spot. I go back to the doctor and he tells me I have cancer. What?!? That leads to crazy amounts of stress because that is a death sentence in my family. I decide that I'm not going to stress my family out until I know for sure but this starts the run around of bob. November ends and in the first part of December I tell my family because they needed to know since I thought I was having my finger cut on. My sister freaks out and screams and yells at me how selfish I am and I have a raging panic attack. That was so scary that I decided to start the medicine. That lead to me not being able to sleep for the rest of December. It also made me sick so I continued losing the weight. Next is January when I realized I couldn't afford the medication so I just stopped taking it. Guess what? There are withdrawal effects to the medication. I didn't know that. I am having a somewhat difficult time in my relationships and that didn't help. I go out drink too much and make hell night happen. I wish I could say I knew what happened but I don't. That was a bad enough time that I decided I needed to go to therapy. First session the lady says that I should try medication. Ok, why not? First medication I'm instantly sick. I get put on another. This one is pretty close to the same but I just want to try. This one makes me not only sick but puts a crazy second voice in my head that is a lot nuts. That one proved to almost be the end of me. Fuck all of this shit. I am done with medication. I am done with thinking that drugs can fix the things in my past. I don't honestly believe that drugs can make me feel less responsibility and guilt for my actions. Shit that is who I am as a person. It might get me into a little trouble from time to time but it is not me wanting to do these things. I really don't have anything to be that upset about at the moment. I am healthy. I have great friends. I have people who love me. I have family. Fuck medication! I'll just take the therapy but let me tell you this next session will be different. I'm pretty pissed off at these people. I'm going nuts and it takes HOURS for them to get back to me. Nice. I'm glad it was early in the day because had it been later I might have gone something that I would have regretted.

Six O'Clock And All Is Well

Here is a six o'clock update from me. I feel really good. For the first time in a long time I feel like myself. Yes, I'm sure I will still rock that emotional moment that I'm worried about but I feel normal for me. It is probably the first time that has happened since mid October. It has been a long time since I have felt at all normal. I'm going to enjoy this moment and hope that it stays with me. I'm not foolish enough to think that everything is super fine now, but I can handle me being with me if I feel like me. Does that make any sense? This has been one wacky nutty painful scary upsetting trip but maybe just maybe things are looking up.

After One and OK

Well, I made it through the night and skipped the meds this morning. On a positive note I don't feel like there are wacky thoughts running around in my head at the moment. That is a improvement because by this time usually my mind is off and running to crazy land. Here is the not so positive note, coming off a antidepressant is depressing. It does make you rather sad. This might prove to being a large weeping day for me, but it doesn't have that sense of doom over it. I'm not really sure what to expect these next couple of days, but I know that they can not be as bad as the previous few. Good things and not as good things but still I feel like there is an improvement today. Once again I just have to take it one moment at a time and be strong.

Getting Off of Them

Today's assessment is this. I'm in crisis. There isn't another way to put it. It is my fault for letting it get to this point. When I started therapy they thought I would benefit from medication. I had tried it before and if they thought that it was what I needed then I was going to go along with it. The first medication led to me being sick from the get go. They took me off of it very quickly. At the next appointment they put me on something else but said that the next step was the shut up and go home drugs. I don't want those. I started the new drug and pretty much right off the bat things didn't go right. First I was so sick that I ended up at the hospital because I was puking blood. Not tons but blood seems bad. Second thing that happened was I had a suicidal thought. It was like my head went blah blah blah and then I kill myself what should I have for dinner. I was like wait what? Let's backtrack to that thought because that was new. It kind of worried me but I wanted to give the medication a chance. Things just started to get worse in my head. Each day I think darker and darker thoughts. These are things I have never thought about. I'm not a suicidal person. I want to say that right here. I am not. It is not who I am. I may sometimes cut but that is far from trying to off myself. Now once upon a time I had a similar crazy moment, but it wasn't this type of crazy thought. It was twenty minutes of irrational thinking that I thought at the time was logical. Let me also say right here that the things that are in my head to do are not logical to me. I don't do permanent things to myself. I should have went to the crazy doctors and said get me off of this shit but I was afraid of the other medication that they might put me on. Here's a news flash to myself. I don't have to take the medication. No one is forcing me to do this. She can suggest till the cows come home but if I don't want to take medication that won't let me think then I don't have to. I should have realized that sooner. Now I am so far into this medication that it has made me a danger to myself. I am worried about my safety. I'm getting off of the crap. Unfortunately I will have to deal with the symptoms for a little longer but if this really is something that is effecting my sanity then getting away from it should help me. So tonight I go stay with some friends to keep me safe. Tomorrow hopefully is better and maybe by Sunday I will have some idea if this is really some of my problem. Obviously it isn't the source of all my problems but maybe it is the source of the downward spiral that I have been rocking.

Alone Time

Here I am sitting in front of my computer again. This seems to be becoming a habit. I'm rocking the alone time here again. Once again I'm not entirely sure I should be hanging out on my own. Luckily it isn't for as long as it was last night. My car got fixed today so I could go to rehearsal. That was the magical three hour break in my woeful existence. It is hard to be worried or upset when you are trying to remember wacky lyrics and crazy dances. Three hours of "tip the hat tip the hat tip the hat tip the hat" were a wonderful distraction. Unfortunately the car drive over sucked ass as did the car ride back. Too much alone time. I really just need distracting conversations about nothing on those drives. I just need to listen to a calming voice that gives me hope that everything will be alright. That really does get to become a lot to ask of your friends. I'm not sure where my head is at the moment, but I know that things are just a little easier when I hear their voices. Am I being extremely selfish using them as a crutch? It is a hard question to answer. The crazy doctor told me to not talk to them about my woes. That I should turn to her or other crazy doctors. I don't think I can do that and I told her that. She point blank asked me if I would call them if I was in a dark place and I told her no. I have a really hard time talking to strangers about anything. Why would I turn to someone who doesn't give a damn about me? She seems to think I am willing to do this. She's wrong there. I guess what she is doing is isolating me more. I will tell everyone that I am fine. That is what she wants and I can do that but I can't talk to strangers. Hell, I have a very difficult time speaking to her. I guess I have to figure this out alone which sucks because I'm terrified of myself when I'm alone. What do you do, right?

Being Alone

I made it through the night. I have to say that is was really hard being alone for that long. I wish I could say that it was extremely successful. I was good for about two hours. Then I started to crack. I just started to think and then I couldn't stop. I tried to put a movie in to distract me but it wouldn't play. That was the end of my grip I think. It just left me sitting on the arm of my couch for an hour trying to figure out what to do. How enjoyable is that? I really wanted to call my friend and get her to talk me away from the edge but I didn't. I want to keep her from worrying about me and I can't do that if I call her all the time freaking out. So I just sat there and spiralled. I realized that I don't trust myself at all alone. That was not a realization to come to. I'm not sure that the crazy doctor should have trusted me alone. I had lots of bad thoughts. I didn't act on anything which I guess is a good thing but they were still there. I was scared. I was alone. I didn't send out the help me text. I didn't call anyone and say help me. I just struggled. Then I started insanely dancing. I just kept doing the opening number of ACL over and over again until I was too exhausted to think. I finally heard from people then. It was a distraction and I needed that. I don't know how to lean on people and not worry them and protect them but get some sort of help. It was a very hard long night.

Baby Steps

I'm thinking I did better today at work. I was very busy and I didn't sit and obsess over things. Baby steps here but I'll take them. I didn't feel overwhelmed. I didn't feel stressed out. I just rolled with the day. I think I should get a good for that considering my car decided to take a crap last night. That was fun. I got stranded in a little town on my way home from rehearsal. In a bar parking lot. How funny is that? I went and had a drink. It seemed like the thing to do at that moment. I was impressed with the size of my drink there! Got to love the townie bar. Huge drinks and reasonable prices. I sat and waited and didn't stress. I got up this morning and didn't have a way to work which could have stressed me out but didn't. I just called and asked for the pick up rescue. I found out that the water pump died. That probably isn't cheap. That dying also killed the belt that runs everything. Who knew there was only one belt? I found out about that at work and didn't stress. See, I made some progress today. Unfortunately I can't go to rehearsal tonight which will end up stressing me out tomorrow because I will once again be behind. Oh well, I'm going to deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Tonight will be an experiment in me being alone with myself. I've avoided that since my meltdown. The cat and I will be spending some quality time together tonight. I guess I was looking for an opportunity to clean so I might as well try to take advantage of it. Fingers crossed here. I have to keep away from that cookie!!

I'm Not Locked Up!

So I'm not locked up!!! Thank goodness!! I managed to go to my therapy session and tell the truth and not end up in the crazy hospital. It is a HUGE relief to me. I'm not saying that the thought didn't cross her mind. I know it did. I guess she is willing to take a chance on believing me when I say I won't break my promise. She asked if I truly believed that I would keep my word and I told her I did with every fiber of my being. That is the honest truth and she saw that it was. Now comes the really hard part of staying strong and keeping my word. I can do this. I'm going to try to make therapy work for me. What good does it do me if I'm afraid to tell the truth when I'm in there? I think my therapist is scared for me. She wanted to see me in a couple of days. That seemed a little soon to me. Instead I have to go back at the beginning of next week. I think if I try this all can help me. We are going to work on me believing that I deserve to be happy. We are going to work on me believing that I am worth caring about. I think we are going to work on the fact that I don't care enough about myself to fight for myself. These are things we are going to work on. She thinks I need to spend a little more time taking care of myself and a little less time trying to take care of everyone else. It is easier for me to take on the role of protector for everyone in my life than to take care of myself. I can't argue with her on that point. I need to be strong for someone. I really don't care about being strong for me. That might be where my problem lies. I just don't care enough about myself. I don't think I'm worthy of or deserve any kind of happiness. That is something I guess we are going to address. She told me it was going to be really hard for awhile. She said we would just have to work through things. It sounds like a lot of things that I don't want to deal with are going to be brought up. I might have to start soliciting the prayers but at least I'm not in the hospital.

I Hope They See

I'm scared. Less than an hour and a half until I have to come clean. I know it sounds bad. I know I'm in trouble. I promised and that is what is important to me. I've written "you promised" on my hand since I made the promise. Every time I look down at work I see it. I can't lose sight of my promise. Hopefully the crazy doc understands that. I just can't lose sight of my promise. My word is very important to me. I promised one of the most important people in my life. I would never compromise my word in this situation. Hopefully I can make them understand that. Hopefully they can understand that breaking my promise to this person just isn't an option to me. It doesn't matter how hard things get I just can't break this promise. I don't want to get sent someplace. I don't want them to look at me and see someone that just can't be helped in a normal fashion. I'm just worried that no matter what I say I won't get them to see. I won't get them to see that I'm not that far gone. I won't get them to see that I can be strong. I won't get them to see that my word is my life. I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully all of my fear is just wasted here.

Am I Crazy?

And now reality has set in. I messed up big time the other day. Really really messed up. That 30 seconds from landing myself in the hospital could still do just that. I have an appointment with the crazy doctor tomorrow and when she finds out what happened I could get sent to the crazy hospital. I'm pretty sure they can make you go if they believe you are a danger to yourself. I'm not dangerous now, but I was the other day. What if she wants to lock me up to make sure I'm ok? I don't know what to do with that. That is a terrifying thought to me. I've always been worried about my losing touch with reality. Crazy is one of my biggest fears. I joke about it because I have always been so terrified of it. Now look at me, I'm staring crazy in the face and losing. There isn't anything in the world more terrifying to me than losing my mind. Have I lost it? I don't think I have. Have I lost touch with reality so much that I can't see what is staring me in the face? I don't know what I to do. I say I hit bottom the other day. It is the truest statement I can make about what happened. I was there. I looked it in the eye and God stepped in and gave me an out. My niece called randomly and said she loved me and it shook something in me just enough to call out for help. I'm not happy that this happened. I wish I didn't push things to extremes. I don't have any real coping skills, but does that mean I need to be hospitalized? Does me being sad and destructive for a few hours mean that I'm a complete danger to myself? I don't know how to answer these things. I can't sugar coat what happened. I have to tell the whole truth to someone. This lady is supposed to help me get better but what if her way is a hospital? I can't do that. I can't be really crazy. My mind isn't flowing the best at the moment but it is still flowing. I can function. I can get up and go to work. I can go to rehearsal. I can have conversations. I can be what everyone expects. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions. I didn't think about telling anyone but my closest friends. Now I have to look at a professional and tell her that I crossed a line. That I was at the bottom. That I was a danger to myself. Shit, I am royally screwed.

The Cookie

I made a promise. I will keep my promise. It is going to be hard. Give up the addiction cold turkey. I can do it. It is all I'm thinking about at the moment. That is odd because it usually doesn't consume my thoughts. I'm thinking it's like giving up chocolate chip cookies. If I decide one day that I'm not going to have chocolate chip cookies anymore I will sit and think about them. I will obsess about them. They start to consume my time. I just want a cookie. I don't need the cookie. I know that the cookie will go straight to my hips. I know that I'll hate myself if I have the cookie. But still, I want the cookie. I think I'm going to be craving the cookie for awhile. I think me giving up the cookie is going to be extremely difficult. I made a promise to someone that I would never ever consider betraying. I just need to constantly be reminded to stay away from the cookie.

Bottom

So here's how you know that you've hit the bottom. You know it's the bottom when the only thing lower than where you're at is dead. I hit the bottom yesterday. It is a scary place to be. It is scary for those who know you are there. I can't be in that place. I refuse to be in that place. It is so strange how quickly things can go from bad to absolutely terrifying. I think maybe I needed the terrifying to find the strength to really fight for myself. I've never done that. I have never went to bat for myself. I need to do this. I have to be in control of my life. I need to not devalue myself in relationships. I need to understand that things that I blame myself for where not my fault. I need to really see that I matter as a person. I need to be a whole person. I want the people in my life to not look at me and see this shell of a person who could break at any moment. I'm stronger than this. I have to believe that. I can't continue beating myself up for everything that has happened in the past. I have to stop living there. No more fear. No more hiding. This has been a battle that I have been avoiding my whole life. It is really time that I got around to living. I'm taking back my life.

I Couldn't Keep The Resolution

Well, here's me breaking the new years resolution...
I cut my heart out this weekend. I put a stop to my relationship. Nothing like killing a part of yourself because it is the right thing to do. I don't know what to do now. I've never walked away from my love. I'm someone who waits and waits. I'm someone who doesn't give up on love. I'm patient and stubborn. Or at least I was. I guess this is something else that I don't recognize in myself any longer. I wish I looked in the mirror and recognized the person looking back at me. I don't know how I got to this place. I don't know what happened to me. Falling in love hasn't been the best experience for me I guess. Falling in love with two people really hasn't been the experience for me. I mean, let's face reality here, I'm in love with two people. The shitty sucky thing is that neither one of them want me. One of them I had already accepted that fact but the other I guess I was living in denial about. I can't blame either one of them for not wanting me. I am a mess right now. I've fallen off the deep end these last few months. Who would want someone in my place? I hurt so much right now on the inside I desperately want to take it out on myself physically. Who wants to deal with that? Who wants to deal with the fact that I was probably 30 seconds away from landing myself in the hospital last night? I'm not functioning right. I'm so pathetic. I think maybe I am that wounded artist. I think at times I am that person who has to bleed to find the beauty in living. I think I might be the person who has to see the pain to understand the joy. Who wants to be with that? Yes, I love with everything that I am. I will give everything that I have for my love. I'm romantic and loyal. Unfortunately I'm too crazy for anyone to really love back. Silly me for giving my heart to these people. I can't get it back from them either. It's theirs to do what they see fit with. I don't stop loving. I just push it down and become the best friend possible. Hopefully I get to retain that with them. Hopefully they both allow me to stay in their lives and love them. It would probably kill me if they didn't.

Words

Sometimes a word can change everything. Maybe you've used one word for a situation for years and then someone turns around and uses a different word and it makes everything wrong. Say you think of yourself as voluptuous and someone calls you chunky. Really it's the same thing but one is better than the other. I don't like the new word. Actually I hate the new word. It changes how I see things. I messes with my head. I don't know how to take it.

I Have A Story

I like to write. It makes me feel better. The resolution to not write about people sucks. Everyone gets all offended when they end up here. Stuff comes up and I want to write about it. If people I know are involved I still want to write about it. What this is going to lead to is the I have a story for you messages that my friends will be getting. I just have to talk sometimes. I prefer to talk to the nothingness but I guess that option doesn't sit well with my friends. I sent one of my I have a story messages yesterday to a friend. I think it might have been something that was unexpected. It was one I didn't get a response from. Ha! Sometimes I talk just to talk and don't need to have a discussion about later. It is just something that is out there. I didn't talk about things for so long that when I need to release I just have to do it. Maybe I will try to send out some good I have a story messages to balance out the bad ones. Maybe I can ease my way back into the good graces of the folks in my life. I have lots of stories.

Blackouts!

I think I am going to take a step in the direction of trying to not be crazy. I mean, lets face it, I've being rocking crazyville for awhile now. I would love to say that drinking is what brings out the crazy. I know it helps bring the crazy but it is not the only thing. I get so upset at times and just snap. I mean really snap. I mean like blackout snap. Usually the blackouts come when I'm drunk, but it has happened when I've been sober. It is so weird when you are standing there and people are asking you what you've done and you honestly have no idea what they are talking about. I'm not going to say I'm not in control of my actions at those moments. I don't know what I am. Scary is my guess. I have been told by several people how scary I can be. I wish I understood what they see. There's just nothing. I trashed a set in the middle of a scene during a show and I have no recollection of doing it. I walked off stage and they all wanted to know what happened. I thought they were all on crack until we walked out for bows and I saw what I did. The director just came up to me after and told me to work on my separation. No clue what happened. I was there. I did it. I don't why. I don't know what was going on in my head. It is just a lot of nothing. It is very odd. I don't really know if people believe that I don't remember these things. Surprise I'm not lying. Whole lot of nothing. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I'm afraid that I'm going to go after someone and hurt them and not have any idea that I've done it. Something has to be there. There has to be some logical reason that this happens. Don't get me wrong, this isn't something that happens everyday. I don't have tons and tons of experience with how did I get here and what have I done. I have enough to be worried about it though. I going to go the the crazy doctor. Have them give me a hand at getting the crazy under control I don't want to lose anymore time. I don't want to be scared of what I'm capable of. I don't want to scare people. I hate that I have had people look at me with terror in there eyes and ask me what happened to me. I don't have an answer for that. I just have holes. These weird pockets of nothing that have spanned my entire life. I have to get to the bottom of them.

A Blog About My Temper

I have a terrible temper. Let's start with that. I am mean when I'm angry. I think I have told most of the people I know about this fact. I'm not proud of it. It is the worst part of my personality. I have a short fuse and I can turn on people in a heartbeat. It is the monster I have dealt with my entire life. I was a mean little kid. Example, this one time we were sitting around looking at baseball cards and the neighbor kid grabbed one of my Ozzie Smith cards and bent it and I threw him down his steps. Another time a neighbor kid called me a bitch and I attacked him and knocked out his front tooth. That was me. I had a reputation by third grade as being a kid you didn't mess with. I wasn't a bully just someone that people knew would beat the crap out of you if you pissed off and they knew that it didn't really take much to piss me off. By the time I got to high school I didn't want to be that person. I never fought in high school. I never raised a fist at anyone. Honestly I hated that part of me so much at I became a total pacifist. That didn't mean that my rage went away. I tried to bury it. Mostly I was successful. I did learn that alcohol brought out the monster. There was the time at a party I got mad and kicked a hole in my friends wall. I know I threatened to beat peoples asses before when I was drunk. Rage. Pure and simple. Then I discovered something that stopped the rage. If I caused myself physical pain everything became calm. I would get enraged and find a wall to punch. I feel the monster taking over and I would find something solid to hit and I would hit it with such force that my entire hand would swell up. Not a good solution but it calmed things down. That solved things for a long time. I would still rage but I wouldn't go after anyone and that made me feel better. Flash forward a few years. I got really upset with someone I knew. They not only made me angry but hurt my feelings very deeply. Hitting the walls didn't help. It didn't make the monster go back inside. That was the first time I cut. As I watched the blood seep from my body a strange calm over took me. It was a completely different calm than what hitting walls gave me. Everything was just so quiet. Watching as life slowly trickled out of myself I didn't feel any of the pain and anger that was inside of me. It became an addiction for me. A crutch to lean on when things got bad. The bad thing was that I desired that calm. So I would cut more. It was out of control. I knew I needed to stop and I did. I would go give blood and watch all of that life trickle out of me and I would get that calmness. I could go every eight weeks and get my fix of calm. Then I started having trouble with my iron levels and couldn't give blood which led to me cutting again. I would get hysterical if I didn't have my box cutter with me and not be able to touch it and know if I needed it it was there. One time I was so upset that I left it at work that I ran to the store to buy a box of straight razors just to make sure if the rage and pain came I could keep it quiet. That was a bad day and I stopped for a long time. To take my mind off everything I started drinking more. I didn't seem to be raging out of control anymore when I drank so that was a plus. It was a new crutch to keep the monster a bay. Don't cut just drink. I've had varying degrees of success with that. Drinking has brought the monster back. I'm trying not to cut. I gave away my favorite tools and I'm lost. I've raged on people and didn't have my faithful friend with me. I don't have it now. I really want it. I want to get my temper back under control Anyway that is an explanation of my temper.

Bad Girl Poetry

Quietly I watch you sleep
And my soul is at ease
I could spend an eternity in this moment
And be at peace

Gentleness radiates from you
Enveloping my heart
Fears and doubts drift away
My life can finally start

Without saying a word
You alter my existence
Hope and love and happiness
Dreams I will experience

I yearn to keep this moment
Unspoiled in my heart
A fleeting glimpse of happiness
A precious work of art

Something From The Past

This is a couple years old and I found it in a notebook and thought I'd share some whining:

I always thought that loving could be enough. Love is such a simple feeling. Love is something that just is. You find someone and you love them. You give a piece of yourself to them and trust that they will take care of it. I thought that if you loved hard enough then it would conquer all. Time and space could be no obstacle. I was a fool. Things don't always work out like you plan them. Love isn't always the great conquering force that we'd like to believe. The world seems to tease you with love. The truth is that when you really love someone heartache is the only real end. If you love someone and they leave you lose that piece of yourself forever. If you leave you bring that same unbearable pain to them. Why do we seek out such an unfair emotion? Is the now more important than the agony that the end brings? I honestly don't know if the now is more desirable. Would I trade knowing you and loving you for an end to this pain? Could you ever really be a regret? This pain is unbearable and I fear each day that it will consume me. My heart aches and I know it will never be whole again. Could I ever regret you? Would I ever trade those moments of happiness? The world is a cruel place. It feels like at times God is laughing at our misfortunes. I'm not a strong person. I hide. I pretend. I never want to deal. Every step forward only seems to lead me back. Could I regret you? How can you regret the best thing that ever happened to you? I wish I would have fought for you. I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could I have saved you. Those are things I can regret. I could never regret you.

Keeping it Together

Ok, I said I wouldn't write about the people in my life. That was my New Years resolution. It is really hard for me to keep. He is my attempt to keep it:

{(%()&eo[tugb49670[w)(&_)(&%B)&*&Q%#YOJRVN{OIU)IOU+)_&%(#)&FV)(&%_)Q&#%_baiourtba907460aklsj;ben q[[ut49q036blsjd)_*_)&%B#_)(&#%BJokj[uretb0q_+&*+_&*^&IATEJRT[[po8uw435908bo {)(&*)#&%ujb[asut30=6qbnb =A) ()*()U%()8534ibn ajse5867b07)(&*)_(&#^%_Q*#%NB )(VM%{MPUN{%)B (&KLQJWro970w9q6bap[u4w[a97640-790aub[n ijo759e[q703-g0NB*(_&5=-7432gbn [a{P*&%()^&B[oiu[aiuertoub902=753lkga'puobputoea[poutbup[upup08-=q3468nsm ire][psweiropai0[580[a9ba[prtopq3684=0-()*()*&*^%#%()_Q^)(*+n m[diofyp[86q[6843ns[pioernap[tr[p89890[8q543w[b OP{)&B#%()_uno [jrfdto[ab49!!!!!

Ok, I feel a little better now. Resolution still going strong.

Sleepy Me

I have come to realize that I'm not thinking the best when I sleep. I know that sounds funny but it is so true right now. I have been having so many wacky dreams on this pain medication. I wake up every morning extremely confused about what really happens in my life and what was just a dream. I have had conversations with people and honestly I don't know if they were real or not. Did I talk football with some folks? Did I work out problems with others? Have I been texting and calling in the middle of the night to discuss things? I'm really worried about that one. I check my phone first thing every morning just to make sure because I wake up and I'm sure that I have. Thank goodness I haven't yet, but I am very paranoid about that. It is very trippy!! Reality starts to merge with dreams when you are sleeping 10 to 14 hours a day. I am just so sleepy! All the time. I wake up and just and just want to go back to sleep. Right this second I want to go back to bed and I slept 10 1/2 hours last night. No reason to be sleepy! I should be so well rested. Alas, it is not the case. I want to sleep. I sort of want to get lost in the crazy land that my mind has made up. Be it ever so confusing at the moment it still seems more real than the one I'm awake in. Maybe I'm really asleep now. Maybe this is all my imagination and that is why my body is trying to get me to go back to bed? Hmmm now that is a thought worth pondering.

Oops

So I've learned the last couple of days that I suck at being on medication. There is no other way to describe me other than stoned. I have gotten more sleep in the last 48 hours than I have probably gotten in the last week. They make me sleepy and stupid. I also have crazy dreams that seem like reality. That's fun. People have been so fortunate that I haven't called at 4 o'clock in the morning because I wake and think that I have. hahaha! I have also managed to pop one of my stitches already. That's a good time. It was the one holding one of the holes closed so now I can see all of my meaty flesh. It's delightful:) Walking on stitches suck! It's like a knife to the foot everytime weight is applied to it. I'm totally gimpy now! I love being borderline crippled. I really should be more careful. I total took a pain pill and hopped in the car and was driving around. Oops. To make it sound even better it is nasty snowing out. Oops again. Oh, and let me up that again and say that I was totally texting while driving. Oops a third time:) I think my thinking might be a touch impaired. I might need a babysitter!

Bob Saga Update

Here is the official Bob saga update. Today I went to the hospital to have my biopsies. I had two of them today. The most exciting thing was that the damn spot on my finger stayed with me. Yes after all this time and frustration I learned that it is just a spot. Awesome!! Now the fun is that I still had surgery today. I had two excisional biopsies on my feet. I had two strange spots on my feet and since they were planning on removing one already today they just decided to hack them both off. Better safe than sorry I guess. So I think the drama has ended. My mother said that the surgeon was extremely positive afterwards and I think this mess is over. All I have to say to that is it's about time! Of course now I get the fun of sitting here watching the blood seep through the bandage and sock on my heel. I guess that it could be hours of enjoyment for me since I have the pain meds to keep me company for a few. Anyhoo, I think things are all good:)

New Year

I really like to blog. I like to talk to no one and everyone at the same time. There is something about talking to the void that soothes my soul. Unfortunately I am selfish with it sometimes. I've been doing this for years. I air all my dirty laundry and I don't really care who knows it but it does sometimes hurt the other parties in my life. I remember this one time I was dating a person and I was an emotional mess. I had just lost the love of my life and was struggling to just keep going. I went on a couple of dates and couldn't handle things. The only way I could cope with this crazy guilt I felt was to drink. I wrote a blog about how I could only do things with this person if I was drunk. The other party read it and was extremely hurt. It never occurred to me to not air that out. I never gave a second thought to how it would affect the other person. I mean I might not mean to hurt people by writing about them but I do. I wrote mean things about one of my friends just a few blogs ago. Yes, I needed to vent, but it was hurtful and it is now out there for the world to read. I mean, I know I don't have thousands of readers or anything, but still someone will most likely read what I write. I shouldn't have written it. I should have cooled down first and thought about how my words could affect my friend. It's wrong of me to throw the people in my life into my blogs. I don't really like to talk about my feelings in real life which is why I am overly open in blogs. I know one of my friends would disagree with me on that, but I can assure her that she really is the only person I openly talk to about anything that is going on in my head. Sorry about that... I bottle things up so much and don't want to burden anyone with my issues. So when I get upset I run to the only outlet that allows me to be open. It doesn't make it ok for the other people in my life. I would tell anyone anything that I write on here in person, but I just don't volunteer the info. For the most part everything just rattles around in my brain searching for an escape. I am going to try and not bring everyone I know into this for a bit. We'll call it my new years resolution. Trying to not hurt others with my blog. If I can not be overly selfish I can do it. Wish me luck!